Judge — July 22, 1905 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HE DIDN'T “FLOP.” A UNITED STATES pen- sioner examiner, whose duties carried him into the backwoods, tarried for the night in a rude little cabin of three or four rooms and many occupants, His bedroom door was without bolt or lock, and he had been in bed but afew minutes when his hostess: put her head in at the door and said, +'Scuse me, mister; but I jest wanted ter ask yer not ter flop round no more than yer kin help, fer you alr con- siddable heavy, an" that bed- stid ain't in very good shape, an’ there's a hen settin’ under it most realy ter come off, an’ I'd hate ter have her eggs smashed. I'll bz obleeged to yer if yer'll flop as little as possible. ONE COMFORT. SO THE czar of Russia must feel terrible at the losses in Manchuria," “Oh, no, ‘There won't be so many of them left to throw bombs at him when they get back.” PROMINENT, Dyer —"1 understand Higbee is prominent in the church, Ryer—"'Yes: he snores the loudest.” Copyright, 1905, by Hall, New Yor’, JUDGE'S FAVORITES. ELSIE JANIB IN HER IMPERSONATIONS AT THE WISTARIA. You Infant prodigy From old Columbus, O., You're just a little naughty. geo To mock your seniors 80. You tmitate so many, You frisky little And yet you don’t lose any Of your charming Buckeye A NEW “JAP” TRICK, Korea-Spondent—*1 see the mikado has enjoined his generals to rename each new town captured.” Reporter-Arthur— Yes; and they have already suggested a name for Vladivostok. Korea-Spondent— What is it?” Reporter-Arthur. Bloodibustup."” WHERE THE COMPARISON FAILS, 46] HAVE a head on me like a steamboat.” “Then you ought to be able to navigate better than you do,” UNDER OBLIGATIONS, Dyer—* Clothes make the man.” Shortleigh—" That's so. We owe a great deal to our tailors," SAY: you've heard of gos liars, I bet you. lt ail T doubt if you've ever heard tell uf ul" Bill; Fer he was the champinist, lyin’ ol” cuss ‘That ever bluwed shot from an ol’ blunderbuss, The boys said. Wry, he'd tell you yarns till he was blue in the face, An’ the best une he tol’ was the big Injun race— How he an‘ his buddy was huntin’ one day, An’ they come on a hull herd o' bufller at play, So Bill said. Well, they up an‘ stampeded, an‘ what did Bill see But a roarin’ red Injan jump out from a tree. Bill yelled to his pal, an’ the Injun did likewise, His yelp did a plenty—-it made the hull tribe rise- So Bill sai Bill jumped on his pony, his partner on his' Bat the Injuns was on an’ piked after aesizz Great snakes! how they skimmed over them thar prairies! ‘They couldn't 'a’ done better "f they'd been fairies, So Bill said, TWO OPINIONS. Fine-looking girl. all “ Fine-looking? Say. howling beauty!" TO CURE INSOMNIA. YING awake is a habit. And yet more people lie when they awake than when they are asleep. If you must lie don’t Ile a Insomnia is usually the effect of one of three causes—poor circu- lation, indigestion, or mental distress. For poor circulation get into a trust and increase your circulation from four dollars to four million: Somebody else's circulation may suffer, but that’s none of your bu: ness. For indigestion stop eating rich food—eat poor food, In a little while you will be having a long, long sleep. For mental distress have your conscience removed. Modern ethical surgery has perfected? the operation to such an extent that ninety-nine per cent. of the cases treated don't even leave a scar. & Here are a few simple and tried rules for driving away insomnia : 1. Never go to bed with cold feet. ‘The man with cold feet never gets there. 2. If the events of the day have been trying, read a short, light story of the trial as it appears in the afternoon saffron sheets. You may not go to sleep over it, but you'll wish you could. 3. Leave the window open, so the burglars can get in easy and secure their share of the graft. ‘They may take everything, but that’s what you got from the other fellow, so it is a square deal. If all these remedies fail, move over to Philadelphia. WILLIAM J. LAMFTON. Philadelphia has waked up. Wek P. don't go to Philadelphia. Try Chicago. IT WAS ON THE BUM. Good lady—* You will have to wash up some before I give you anything to ea Tramp (after washing for five minutes)—' on the bum ; it won't take the dirt off.” Good fady—+1 understand ; but you must put more of it on the bum and I guess it will take the dirt off." adam, this soap is Wa-al, they made fer a path that went straight duwn the hill, ‘The Injuns right after ‘em jest lickity spill. 'Cordin’ to ol” well, If the ladies "Il excuse me, ‘twan't nothin’ but ** hell.” $0 Bill said. Wasal, Dill got in this path, an’ what did he come nigh Dut a great big high wall—looked like ‘t went to the sky } On tother side a jump-off that went clean ‘way down An’ no place to side-step, while the Injuns went roun’, So Bill said. Fer the road got too narrer fer even a mule-track, Bill made up his mind 't he couldn't git back. then Bill 'd wait till you'd ax him ‘ow come it He stayed ‘live to tell jest how he had done it, As Bill said. With a kind of sad look an’ a tear on his winkers, Bill 'd glance at you sidewise with a sort of a blink as Couldn't escape, so we didn't. They killed us."” ik you're a good judge, how’s that fer a lie, As Bill said? MARGARET CROSSE. comicbooks.com