Judge, 1904-12-31 · page 10 of 21
Judge — December 31, 1904 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several satirical pieces from *Judge* magazine: **"A Year of Humor"** is a meta-joke about a humorist struggling to generate seasonal material—new year's resolutions, Valentine's Day jokes, Easter, Fourth of July, etc.—recognizing the formulaic exhaustion of annual comedy writing. **"An Old Salt's Observations"** features a sailor telling tall tales with moral angles: a man's failed suicide attempt (the gun wasn't loaded), a ship captain who swears in Dutch to maintain his New Year's resolution, and wreck survivors finding unexpected treasures. **"Social Liquidation"** is a political cartoon mocking socialist ideology. Two working-class characters (likely Irish, suggested by dialect) debate socialism: one argues equal wealth distribution would be socialism, the other retorts that socialists would drink themselves to death with their share, leaving only capitalists remaining. This reflects early-20th-century American fears of socialism and stereotypes about working-class immigrants' supposed drinking habits. The satire assumes reader familiarity with contemporary socialist political movements gaining traction in that era.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
A YEAR OF HUMOR. HE humorist he sat him down And filled his fountain-pen. he muttered with a own, “Write New-year’s jokes again. Good resolutions, diaries, Expense accuunts—and all The customary flippancies My mind must now recall, “And after this"—he bent in thought — “Will come the ground-hog day ; Then Valentine's, for T have got To earn my little pay. George Washington tree, ‘Then busy Easter-t Next, April fool, high-school's de- gree, And then the fair June bride. “July the fourth and seaside jokes, And (oh, excuse me, pray 5 T quite forgot the moving folks About the first of Ma: In August come the bathing jests And ‘hot-enough-for-you"; September, school and moth-balled vests, And ice and coal jokes, too. “+ October brings the bargain quips, November—then the turk. And football, mangled arms and lips, Once more are put at work. December —Christmas verse and wit Again come ambling on. And then—well, bless me! think of it— Another year is gone!” WiLauR b. Neserr, AN OLD SALT’S OBSERVATIONS, “Did you hear about Jinks? He pointed a pistol at his mother-in-law, think- ing it wasn't loaded.” “With what results?" “The worst, It wasn't whom he was married in a month. preacher asks the cowboy. About ten minutes,” replies the cowboy. “Tl never in this world say ‘damn’ or ‘hell’ ag’in, said the master of a brig I sailed on as first mate. It was a New-year's resolution. But he learned to swear in Dutch, thus keepin’ both his resolution an’ the discipline aboard his ship. « That's all right,” Father Time said wearily to the man that was a-mournin® bécduse he had to die; « but s'pose you had to stretch out into eternity the way I have? I don’t git no vacations; I don't git no raise in wages; I don't git nothin’ but complaints from this man because I go too quick an’ from that chap because | go too slow.” It gits monoto- nous, it does, this continuous performance of shovin’ clocks ahead.” There's wrecks an’ wrecks. ‘There was the one that threw the crew of the Nancy Bell ashore on Dewlap island. One found a chest of gold embed- ded in the sand ; another found a substitute for coal quite fit to bust the trust; an’ the third he found, first, a package of old letters, which he threw into his chest an’ quite forgot, an’, second, the charmin’ lady to A year later he remembers that SS YOUR closets are too small,” says the flat-hunter to the janitor; there package an’, openin’ it, finds evidence on which he gits divorce. and adds, “ Our skeletons are full-grown.” “ Now, what would you like to have me preach about to-day ?"the an’ nickel-plated. SOCIAL LIQUIDATION. Pat—“' But si all th’ wealth wor equally divided? Thot wud be socialism." 4 bs Mixe—** No, Mauda All th’ socialists wud dhrink thimselves to death wid their share, an’ there'd be nothin’ left but capitalists. Talk about light in the darkness, sailor! His cloud was silver-lined RDWARD MARSHALL, me pre comicbooks.com