Judge — December 17, 1904 — page 24: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE ay she named, and set aside December twenty-fifth. Said she, “4 What better date to be a bride? And how romantic it will be ‘At Christmas-tide !” Of course he acquiesced and cried The day would suit him toa t; And since they all were satisfied ‘The marriage-knot was merrily At Christmas fied. REYNALE SMITH PICKERING. MY VALET. J WANT to tell you something about my valet—not to recommend him, because he never would leave me. In these days of flitting servants he is, of course, a paragon. He is not without faults, but he is so devoted to me that I overlook his shortcomings. He anticipates nearly all my wants—knows that if I want my dress-coat it is either under the bed or hanging in the closet. It is only that he has hren with me so long that I put up with him. He is so sympathetic «at when I have indigestion he takes a soda-mint! He doesn't valet me be- cause he teally craves the work itself, but he knows that if he didn’t do it no one else would. We have a great many things in common, which is, of course, peculiar, as our positions are so different. He is quite as well educated and exactly as finical as I am—smokes the same kind of cigarettes. I al- low him many liberties he would look for in vain in an- other man’s employ. When I travel he not only packs my trunk and hand-bag, but, if we are abroad, takes the trouble to insist on the hotel and railway porters disposing the colored labels on my stuff in an artistic manner, A bit of a snob is James. If there are any hotels I ought to have and did not stop at on account of the tariff, or any other good and sufficient reason, he will procure samples of those hostelries’ posters and add them to my dress-suit case in a decorative and imposing way. That shows we are very young. The other morning, while shaving me, he let his hand slip and cut a neat slice off my upper lip. I cursed him round- ly. The poor chap was as much cut up about it as I was. He proved it by calling me a damn fool. I let it pass. It only upsets me to row with James. There never was such a valet. He reflects all of my moods. If I am despondent the corners of his mouth droop. If I am gay his eyes dance and he wears a broad grin, He pays all my. bills, and his wages are a figment of the imagina- tion. He reads and answers all my letters. Whenever I ride down Broadway in the brougham James always pays my fare when the conductor comes along. Star—" Why should I marry you?” THEATRICAL MANAGER—"* Well— STAR eo | NON-ASTRONOMICAL, discovered you, you know.”* “But who ever heard of a new star taking the name of Its discoverer?” There is a peculiar thing about James. If I want a suit that I have on brushed he does it beautifully for me, except between my shoulders. He never has attempted to since the first time he tried and failed. James has another most remarkable eccentricity—he will never meet my eye unless he looks in the mirror at me. I don’t mistrust him on that account, notwithstanding the popular notion that such people are not to be relied upon. James tried to cut my hair one summer, when I was in the woods of Minnesota, far from barbers—once only, I assure you. Then I went into the nearest town toa barber. They asked me if I had had my hair cut with a monkey-wrench, or if it was just the result of a do- mestic scene. I told them my man had tried to do it. Of course the laugh was on James. He's very useful that way, sometimes, There is something quite embarrassing in our likeness to each other. Some of my friends fail to see any difference between us. JAMES MONTGOMERY FLAGG. SHE PROGRESSED. 66]T WAS very romantic, the way Hichens won his wife,” said the man with the dreamy eyes, “How did he win her?" asked the man with the firm chin, “One Christmas, about six years ago, he bought an immense stocking and hung it on the tree at the church, labeling it with his name. “Well 2" “Well, some of the young folks, who knew of his attachment for the girl, put her into the stocking and pre- sented her to him.” “All very pretty,” commented the man with the firm chin, “But I have heard that ever since then he has found her almost always in his pockets.” ALFRED'S BLUFF. ALERED JONES, he sex ‘at he Don't b'lieve in Santy Claus. He sez they ain't no such a man, An’ ‘at there never was. He sez he’s ist a shadder man An’ nothin’ but a name ; But Christmas-time you bet he hangs His stockin’ ist th’ same. 66 AND what are you folks going to have for Christ- mas dinner, Willie 2” asks his big sister's admirer. “I don't know exactly,” Willie tells him. “ Aren't you going to have a goose ?” : «Well, I did hear sis tell ma that if you proposed to her she supposed it would only be right to ask you to eat with us that day.” comicbooks.com