Judge — March 26, 1904 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AN OLD SALT’S OBSER- VATIONS. TH MAN who's without fear is th’ man who's goin’ to lose his ship. v'ry fiddle gets out of tune about once in so often, no matter how sweet-toned it They say cigarettes will kill. When I look at most of th’ fellers that smoke ‘em I hope they're right. Th’ golden rule ain't print- ed no plainer in a hunderd- dollar bible than it is in a ten- cent testament. There's three ways of spellin’ dishonesty. One's th’ way I've just spelled it; an- other is “t-a-c-t,” an’ another Th’ man who was so lazy that he couldn't chew his food, an’ th’ man who was so busy that he didn’t have time enough to, are in th’ same place now. Women differ. My wife can make a hotel-room feel like home in ten minutes ; but there is them that can make home feel like a hotel-room in less time than that. Th’ trouble with bringin’ up children, so far as /can see, is that you can’t do it. They'll attend to that’ themselves if they're any good; an’ if they ain't—why, what's th’ use ? It's astonishin’ how much I do love my wife Lyddy just about th’ time my ship gits fur enough away from th’ dock so that I can't see her handker- A PATRIOTIC LADDIE. Horses have to wear blind- ers so they can't see what's a-goin’ on along th’ road. There'd be fewer cases in th’ divorce courts if some women could make their husbands wear ‘em, too. I know a sea-captain who heroically jumped in an‘ saved seventeen people a terrier dog from drownin’; but if he'd had his new uniform on he'd ‘a’ waited to have a boat low- ered. Tell me that we ain't creatures of circumstance. I've been so hungry that it seemed to me I'd die if 1 didn’t. git some food; but I never wanted grub so bad as Idid a kiss one night just after Thad done something mean to my wife an’ she knew it, an’ I knew she knew it, an’ she knew I knew she knew it, A boy in my school could whistle through his teeth. We all envied him, He ain't no great shakes now that he's growed up. We don't envy him no more. | wonder if we won't feel about th’ same in th’ next world when we look at th’ men who can make money here on earth, Two sailors had a hot fight in th’ fo'e’s'le, an’ I had to haul ‘em up for it. © What was you a-scrappin’ about?” 1 asks. « Why,” says one of ‘em, * Bill, here, he says brigantine is spelt with a un un, an’ I says it’s spelt with an e-n en.” © What difference does it make to ci- Tue owt—" Hoot! hoot! hoot! hoot!” : ate ee 4 Witue McTee (of Llandudno) —* Hoot awa’! Ya'll na’ make the braw Skutch ther of you?” T asks, Not Men are mills, but they accent on American heather, though ya practice all day." none,” says both of ‘em togeth- are of two kinds, First, th’ chief a-wavin’ there no more. er. AML right,” I says; 1'll kind that grinds grist only with their teeth; an’ second, those that put you both in irons, You're both wrong. It’s spelt with an a-n an,” grinds a very little with th’ wheels in their heads. Them latter we An’ I did. It's just like that with most of th’ folks that gets punished call intellectual. for bein’ quarrelsome. RDWARD MARSHALL Ts Alive oe ABOUT TIME TO GET BUSY. Junior parter—' Our cashier says he doesn’t want any vacation this year."" Senior partner —" Well, just notify his bondsman and put an expert on his books."" comicbooks.com