Judge — March 12, 1904 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

LLG. At THe Parken Burtpina, Fourtn Av Wasteen ADVERTISING PUBLISHED WE SUE AND Dvrice— 1313 Hartford Building, Chicago, Mt, TEI ) SUBSCRIBERS : UNITED STATES AND CANADA IN ADVANCE. One copy, one year, or sznumbers= ‘One copy, six months, or 26 numbers + = + One copy, for thirteen w Including the Cumistatas Jeock. SUBSCRIPTIONS—To all foreign countries in the postal union, $6.00 a year. EUKORAN SALES-AGENTS—/ntermational News Company, Breas's building, Chi ery Lane, E.C, London ; Brentano's, Avenue det” Opera, Ps ‘Starbach's News Exchange, Mainz, G The contents of FUDGE are protected by copyright in both the United States and Great Britain. Infringement of this copyright will be promptly and digorously prosecuted. CONTRIBUTORS must inctose a stamped and self-addressed ertoelope with all manascripts, otherwise return of the Latter when found unarvailatte cannot be guaranteed. DRAWINGS and all contributions sent to the Art Department should have the sender's full name and address written plainly on each and every separate sketch. The accompanying joke or descriptive letter-press should in ébery instance be written upon its indroidual picture, and NOT upon a separate slip of paper. Inclosure of stamps to the full amount of postage (s also required, (0 insure safe and prompt return of material not accepted. ANOTHER COMBINATION that tends to make the average commer- cial Jack a dull boy is all work and no pay. eee ARADOXICAL as it may appear, many people find their hardest up- hill work when they meet the down-hill slide of life. AFTER ALL, the yellow peril may not be quite so yellow as it is painted, but the same cannot be truthfully said of the journalism of that tint. THE UNSPEAKABLE RUSSIAN is still determined to keep the door to China closed if such a thing be possible. All his weight and strength are against it, and by the lupine manner in which his teeth and eyes flash and sparkle, he must fondly fancy, ‘way down at the bottom of his cast- iron consciousness, that success will eventually camp on his banner. The staccato of the Mongol, as the pressure of the said door crashes against his saffron anatomy, suggests to the American, the German and the English ear a mile of laundry-bills being reeled off in the form of an up-to-date col- lege-yell. In his present tempestuous attitude the unspeakable Russian is standing between two first-class, red-hot fires; and if he is not fire- proof, and is not fortified against fire by a good substantial policy, it would be well for him to wrap the drapery of his asbestos couch about him before he lies down to pleasant dreams of conquest in Manchuria. Uncle Sam and John Bull and the kaiser are aware of the fact that the season during which “ Please close the door” is a familiar legend is about at an end; and it is quite likely that before long they will say something that in the end may prove, so to speak, an open-sesame. In the meantime the sturdy little Jap is giving the big barbarian a taste of his fighting quality that he does not very keenly relish. The Russian has not accomplished anything in the line of gilt-edged triumph which he could consistently celebrate by giving acandle-dinner. The situation is an extremely interesting one, and it re- mains to be seen if the door will or will not remain closed. That the Musco- vite has a large, imperial contract on his hands, to put it mildly, is an unde- niable fact; and when he has come out, as he will, at the small end of the horn he will have learned a lesson that should do him lasting good, and he will have the pleasure or humiliation, if he can look at himself through alien spectacles, of knowing that he has regaled the world at large with many substantial chunks of innocent and juicy enjoyment. HE RADIUM that radiates is the genuine article, and while it is still so misty and elusive as to be all Browning to the general public, the fact cannot be denied that it is still welcome when looked at through scientific glasses. How can we cast contumely upon this new element which may be successfully put to so many uses? Radium will run an automobile; it will put an antique-bronze finish on the matutinal hash, and it will keep the temperature of the house at a point that will render the commercial prayer of the plumber anything but efficacious. Under the influence of radium the most obstinate cases of lupus of the face in book-agents have yielded gently when all other modes of treatment have failed. As its possibilities are not yet understood or appreciated, it is to be hoped that it may be worked in connection with the alarm-clock in such a way as to make it impossible for the cook to oversleep'herself, and with the raw oyster in such a fashion as to render the typhoid germ null and void. We should always recollect, however, that a fresh emanation from radium does not show the spectrum of helium, and also that, as it “decays,” helium is pro- duced in minute but ever-increasing quantity. This scientific fact, an- nounced, as it is, by an eminent English authority, leads us to fancy that before many weary moons shall have passed upon their way an ancient saying will be so parodied as to read, “Where there is so much helium there is sure to be some radium." We should also remember that without radium there can be no helium, and without helium there can be no radium. Therapeutics or no therapeutics, radium has come to stay and make itself felt. It will grow new fur on a singed cat or a decayed sealskin sacque, it will cause a locomotive to fly along at a higher rate of speed.than a mile a minute, and will take a grease-spot or a hole out of a carpet. It is certainly an element that should fill alike with joy the hearts of the high-priest and the layman, and cause every progressive person to shout in one grand com posite outburst, “ Three cheers for radium! Long may it radiate!” ATA CHL ti A TRUCE. Joxe-wnirer (who has crawled under the bed to escape from his wye)—" My dear Maria, if you'll drop that poker and leave me alone for a while I can write twenty dollars’ worth of jokes about this and buy you a new hat.”