Judge, 1904-03-05 · page 7 of 16
Judge — March 5, 1904 — page 7: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several satirical pieces typical of early-20th-century American humor: **"A Celestial Conversation"** presents a theological joke: a newly-deceased spirit brags about suffering an appendectomy on earth. An older spirit dismisses this as trivial suffering, revealing himself as Adam—implying that Adam's expulsion from Eden represents humanity's greatest ordeal, making all subsequent complaints seem petty. **"Lenten Thoughts"** satirizes hypocritical religiosity during Lent. While the formal text discusses spiritual preparation, parenthetical asides reveal the speaker's true preoccupations: stock prices, pool halls, horse racing, and business dealings—mocking those who perform piety while remaining entirely worldly. **"His Bright Idea"** jokes about Cheops (Egyptian pharaoh) building the Great Pyramid to prevent laundries from damaging his garments—absurdly comparing ancient engineering to modern domestic frustrations. Additional brief humor pieces mock automobile dealers, unclear etymology ("cellar" vs. "cellular"), and wordplay on "canons" (church law vs. artillery). The page reflects Judge's consistent satirical targets: hypocrisy, materialism, and pretension among middle-class Americans.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
A CELESTIAL CONVERSATION. g VERY now and then the newly-arrived spirit was rather inclined to throw on style, which, considering his abiding-place, was uncalled for, and was naturally distasteful to the other spirits. He was always talking about how many things had happened to him while he sojourned on earth. One day he fell in with a mild- mannered spirit who listened patiently to his boasting. “ And so you think you are entitled to some special distine- tion because you endured so much in your other life 2” asked the mild-mannered spirit. “Oh, I don’t say that, exactly,” was the airy, non- chalant reply ; but of course any one who has gone through what I did is of necessity entitled to some distinction.” “Um-m-m ! Well, what was the most trying ordeal you suffered 2” “The very worst, I should say, was being operated upon for appendic The mild-mannered spirit laughed satirically. “ Appendiciti he chuckled. « My good fellow, you don’t know the least thing about critical operations. I've got you double discounted.” And he floated away, with a trail of sardonic laughter in his wake. “ Who is that old boaster ?" asked the new spirit of a by-flyer. “The one you were talking with? Don’t you know him? That's Adam.” Automobile dealer—* This machine we guarantee can be stopped in three lengths, A GAME OF CHANCE. going at full speed.” Will Biddy “stand pat"? Prospective purchaser—" Um-m-m! Which side up?” . LENTEN THOUGHTS. HESE Lenten days are harbingers of peace (Cotton will jump up twenty p ‘The hours are meet to meditat. (I wonder if that oil-stock will Poor penitents, in hope of Gideon’ In sackcloth tread the rugged, na ys (The pool-room, then, was pulled by the police.) For, after all, ‘tis good when Lent begins (I'd like to butt in on that railroad deal), Immune from all the tiresome, social grind (The handicap—I hope McCarthy wins), When we can pray and fast and pray with zeal (A telegram—* Nag was left ‘way behind"). RUGENE GRARY. HIS BRIGHT IDEA. CHEOPS was building the pyramid. “That was a bright idea of my own,” he ex- plained. I was bound to put some laundry-marks on a thing they couldn't mangle.” With a rueful glance at his cuffs, he felt he had outwitted his mortal foe. se OW, Mr. Ramble,” said the professor, * you may tell us the difference between the cellar and the cellular forms of life.” Mr. Ramble thought for a moment. ™ One lives in a house,” he ventured, “and the other lives in a flat.” EPITAPH. ENEATH this mound lies all we found Of little Johnny Green. He went one night, by candle- light, To get some gasoline. AT THE PRESENT TIME. Jimpson —“The horrors of war are: certainly unspeak- able.” Simpson —“And the shames of thesnaval commands ORDNANCE AND ORDINANCE. ers are equally unpronounce- Mrs. Lenty—" Have you read that article about the Episcopal canons excommuntcating divorced members who a remarry 3" able. : Mr. Lenmiy—" Yes. The new canons seem to be of the rapid-fire order, don't they ?”"