Judge, 1903-12-19 · page 27 of 52
Judge — December 19, 1903 — page 27: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from *Judge* magazine contains several satirical vignettes about Christmas: **"The Pastor's Christmas"**: Reverend Gunbusta receives mountains of gifts from his grateful congregation—but notably *no slippers*. The joke plays on the era's custom of giving clergymen practical gifts; the absence of slippers (the expected "safe" present) is treated as a cosmic catastrophe, mocking both the pastor's ingratitude and the congregation's predictability. **"The Open Season"** and **"Poor Pa!"**: Brief quips about holiday excess—one about mistletoe romance, another about a daughter buying her father a cheap lamp then using its trading stamps for his gift. **"At the Christmas Matinee"**: A theatergoer struggles to pronounce a performer's invented name ("Amaritis Consulitaria"), wondering if it's a disease, railroad car, or botany term—satirizing pretentious stage names. **"His Fear"** and **"The Guilty Conscience"**: Comic complaints about labor unions threatening toy factory strikes, and a wife suspicious of an unexpectedly generous Christmas gift. The overall tone mocks middle-class consumption, vanity, and marital dynamics during the holiday season.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
THE PASTOR'S CHRISTMAS. THE Reverend Wetherby Posonby Gunbusta was liked and loved by his entire congrega- tional flock. When he complained of feeling out of sorts, no matter how infinitesimal ailment, they pestered him with sugges- tions and medicines, both homemade and patent. Whenever his birthday came around they unloosed their purse- strings and smothered him with fancy pillows, bizarre doylies and other zigzaggy embroidery. | And now Christmas had come { | and gone, and the Gunbusta par- sonage was stacked with a myriad gifts, as if it was a store-house belonging to Santa Claus himself. But, although these things designated the appreciation of his followers, he was worried. “Can the world be wrong?” he soliloqui: heterogeneous mass. * viewing the ceived just three hundred and Bese \ gifts and a dog, and not one—no, 1am dreaming, | am dreaming, I am dreaming.” And he threw himself upon his reclining- Here I have re- the chaiv and closed his eyes to keep the sight of all his Christmas things from him. ‘Then he opened tus eyes again ; but lo ! the same sight confronted him, His eyes were not decei the truth, the very truth, ing him. It was Among his presents there was not one pair of slippers. The millennium had been reached. THE OPEN SEASON. Cora— Why do you love the holiday season so much ?” Merritt—* Because you can then do under the mistletoe what you are obliged to do the rest of the year under the rose.” POOR PA! Erme.—"'I just bought a fifty-dollar lamp as a Christmas present for mamma!" Eoimt—"And what shall you get for your father?" Ere.—"'Oh, I shall get something real nice for papa with the trading-stamps I got with the lamp!"* AT THE CHRISTMAS MATINEE, HE boy walked nicely across the stage at the vaudeville performance and put up the pla- card announcing the performer who was to do the next turn. It was the name of Miss Amaritis Consulitaria, the noted prima-donna and chanteuse ex- traordinary. Hiram Podslocker, who occu- pied a back seat, spelled out the name with much care, and then mused to himself, “L wonder if she was named for a disease, a sleeping-car, or a lesson in botany.” A SUGGESTION. HOUGH Santa Claus fills up his pack With presents rich and rare, With autos, sealskins, gold and gems— ‘The best from everywhere— Within the hearts of all of us He'd find the warmest nook If with each family in the land He would but leave a cook. HIS FEAR. Wilfred de Style—*\ wish they wouldn't have any labor unions.” Edwin Gunbusta—* Why?" Wilfred de Style— S'pose they'd go out on strikes in the toy factories around Christmas time !” THE GUILTY CONSCIENCE. . PORTLY HAS BEEN TROUBLED BY NIGHTMARE ON SIMILAR HOLIDAY OCCASIONS AND IS DETERMINED TO BE PREPARED THIS TIME Mrs. Gramercy—" She must have been surprised when her hus- band gave her such an expensive present for Christmas ?* Mrs, Park— Not surprised, my dear, but suspicious.” comicbooks.com