Judge — February 28, 1903 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A STYGIAN STORY. N THE realms beyond the Styx ‘There was once almost a riot, And the facts are coming out, Though they kept them pretty quiet. Jonah crustily declared Noah never was a sailor ; Noah mentioned, with a wink, Jonah’s record as a whaler. Cresar giggled then about Alexander and the riddle ; Then he chuckled more and asked Nero if he wouldn't fiddle. Shakespeare, too, was angered when Colley Cibber passed the Bacon. “« Helen's hobby” was the way They told how old Troy was taken. Cleopatra fled in rage When they asked about the adder; ‘And they taunted Romeo When he couldn't climb a ladder. ‘Things were getting warm ; it seemed Every one was sure to catch it, ‘When George Washington appeared, Brandishing his little hatchet. “« Gentlemen,” he cried, ‘have peace!” Ladies, think of your position. We shall be forgotten if We smash every one’s tradition.” Ww. D, WESUIT. A LAST RESORT. Mr, Commuter (of Swamphurst, siping the dinner-dishes)—* Yes, Har- riet; when the captain of a man-of-war 1s sent off with ‘sealed orders" he does not know his destination until he opens them some time after he has started. Why do you ask ?” Mrs. Commuter (desperately)— “Well, Henry, don’t you think you could engage a new cook at the intelligence office and get her to come out here to Swamphurst that way ?” EQUALITY. HOLD this true: If he be fair He's quite as lovable as they're ; And if she keeps her motives pure, She's every bit as good as you're. But she and he will come in time To boast they're better far than I'm; And even if he don’t I feel Convinced within my heart that she'll. So go at once and tell them while There's time, for if you don't then I'll, ELLIS PARKER OUTLER. HISTORY UP TO DATE. George Washington—« Are the re- porters, historians and novelists ready Alexander Hamilton—« AN\ ready, sire.” George Washington—« Then bring up the kodaks and kinetoscopes. Place a phonograph in position here and order the battle to proceed. I want all hands to know that I am going to get into his- tory.” Seeing that he was determined, Hamilton made a profound salaam and ordered the battle on. IN THE EFFETE EAST. Charlie—“ That fellow there has killed his man. George— Indeed? Deer-shooting, QUITE ALIKE, seTHAT Miss Plithers is a perfect beauty, isn’t she?” said the first young man. : “Well, yes; she is rather pretty,” conceded the second young man. “But, after all, hers is a doll-like beauty.” “That's so. I had noticed a certain wax-doll precision and exact- ness in her complexion.” “Oh, the resemblance goes further than that. One evening last week I called on her, and when I was leaving I slyly squeezed her, and she yelled * Mamma!" ‘THERAPEUTICAL FINANCE. se ES,” says the broker, who is telling of his latest exploit, long on apples, and don't mind telling you that I was pretty well cramped. But I took a little flier in paregoric, and that put me on my feet in a jiffy.” WHEN THE LINE IS DRAWN. Citiman—« With no fences between your places, I should think you'd find it hard to tell where yours begins ahd his ends. Homepark—“ Not when we mow the lawn or clean the snow off the sidewalks THE PROPER TIME. ** Don't you think every man should get married in the morning of life ?”* football, or automobiling 2?” —"'Oh, yes; morning is the time to wake up.”” comicbooks.co