Judge — November 9, 1901 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

y do drink, drink 7,- yo = Trimbie . + Here's to our Sweeth May our Wives always remain our Sweethearts Green Label. ‘AT ALL FIRST-CLASS DEALERS. | Take notions from the lyri ‘THE MODERN POET. SHOULD you wish to be a poet—an up-to date fine poet— With ne'er an inspiration for the art ; If your hair inclines to short-cut, a little longer grow it, To put yourself in trim for a good start. First, go into some library. Pick out from the “ologies The very hardest words to understand. Never mind apologies {f you would with freak writers take your stand. Next, wrestle with a few slang words, nor care how you may bore us, So that they hold a silly thought or two ; borrow from some sapient friend the much-bethumbed thesaurus. The sense? Discard it, or your lines won't do. Your market?) That is easily found. Just mail it anywhere. No editor will understand your stufl. Therefore a very goodly cheque will reach you in your lair — The sure reward for poet-fakir bluff A. UreHrELD, HINNIGAN ON CHINA’S NEW WOMAN. By La Monte Waldron. 66 NOTWITHSTANDIN’ th’ atleygation | relatin’ to th’ love-faste av th’ Pow- ers,” remarked Mr. Hinnigan to his usual « Rattails, 1 shuppose Flinnigan learnedly. 30, as I wor sayin’,” continued Hin- interjected NO NEED SPIRITUALLY. ‘Tue Vicar—""I have not seen your husband at church lately, Mrs. Murphy.”” Mrs. Murny— Well sir, I'm sorry to say as my old ‘man is enjoying very bad ‘ealth at present."* audience, consisting of Michael Flinnigan, | nigan, « th’ Dowger Imperess said to her- Esq., in the back alleyway, th’ Chinaze |silf, said she, + I'll nd_me impire av ivery quistion are not aisily answered. Did ye | male what don't wear his hair down his iver paws to conshider, Flinnigan, th’ gin-| back loike a man.’ Th’ daytermination, nywine rayson fer th’ rietin, in th’ impire | Finnigan, bore thrubble an’ affoorded th’ air-cut are th’ worst digridation in bayin’ kin soofer 2” | “LE hoven't toime to call mesilf to | orther as a convintion fer th’ invistigation av haythenism,” replied Flinnigan. Hinnigan continued as though un- conscious of the interruption, «Tis th’ noo woman, nothin’ ilse,” he proclaimed. “Be th’ paypers,” interjected Flinni- gan, “ [hed ben lid to belave it wor thim Boxers. Av coorse, thim Boxers moight bay faymales in disguys as min.” “As L wor sayin’,” continued Hinni- gan, again ignoring the observation, « ‘tis th’ latest fall shtoyle av woman—th’ Dow- ger Imperess. Rapatedly she hov made th’ Powers luk loike a handful av soiled pinnies. If ye kin rade, ye hove doubt- less ashertained thot th’ ixpiditions up th’ Whangnoodle-ho an’ down th’ Divil- Knows-Where hov raysulted in th’ uni terrupthed fraydom av th’ leddy in quis- tion, An’ she kapes th’ Powers waitin’ ontil she hov her bonnet adjoosted to her own satishfaction fer th’ rayturn thrip to Paykin. “As L wor sayin’, Flinnigan—if ye'll attind me an’ quit drawin’ thot poipe as though ye wor nursin’ a bottle—th' woman wid a face loike a painted egy an’ a couple av fate what wudn't fit a infant bekem on- aisy. She wor scared near to fits be th’ forrin divils—manin’ th’ railroad coom- panies what wor plantin’ ties an’ layin’ thracks over th’ ancistral cimmytaries, wid busted graveshtones fer ballest—an’ she suspicted they wud soon daymand th’ sacrid palace fer rapair-shops, foorcin’ her into th’ sooburbs wid a chape flat an’ ray- jooced rayshuns av spindin’-money, which th’ same be called tails.” undhertakin’ busness in Chinay a boom th’ shtayle trust moight will invy. Fer thin th’ Powers woke up an’ in wan grand acchord yelled + Abas, abas thot bayin’ th’ poloite Frinch fer ‘Bate thim to dith © “Shtill, | hov a boonch av addymi- ration fer Mrs. Dowger. Wor she to pass be th’ alleyway this inshtant I'd tip me new cighty-foive-cint fall bunnet an’ pay thriboot to her, sayin’: “Ma'am, ye hov performed won- dhers. Ye hov broke up th’ concert thot hov ben playin’ manny a long year fer th’ spicial binnyfit av th’ spacheliss Turk. Lixpict ye'll pay high fer bayin’ th’ Oom Pauless av th’ Orryint, but as an ixponent av th’ twintieth-cinch:y woman, bound to run things as fasht as a bull-pup runs a cat up a alley, an’ to kape mankind wind- ed be follyin’ ye, ye're a dazzlin’, ghlitter- in’, howlin’ succiss, I saloot yez accord- in’, I wud invoite yez in to tay, Mrs. Dowger, belave me; but th’ fact are thot there are an old woman beyant th’ kitch- en-dure what moight objict, she bayin’ soobjict to attacks av inflammatory grane- eyed monshter—in plane English, jillus.”” “Wud ye 2" inquired Flinnigan ina tone that expressed considerable irony “Lwud !" ejaculated Hinnigan, with such emphasis that his hat was deposited in the ash-bucket. “ Twor not aware thot yez cud shpake Chinaze wid such flooincy,” retorted Flin- nigan. “Whin did yez gradooate from Yip Lee’s Laundhry 2” The dead silcnce that ensued indicat ed strained relations. And it was broken only by the heavy tread of Hinnigan as he withdrew from the conference. CORRESPONDENT says that anybody could be sure that Carnegie is a Scotch- man for the reason that his name sounds so much like a golf term or the title of a golf-club. A Feast of Humor Published November 22d. Thanksgiving Judge in the___oam Advertising Forms Close November 12th. aa __ Dated November 3Oth. comicbooks.com