Judge — August 24, 1901 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Judge’s Funny Stories by Serious People, and Vice Versa. SOPHRONIA’S SOFA PILLOW. By W.D. Nesbit (Joth Wink, of the Baltimore American). Miss SOPHRONIA HIGGINS is a charming young lady who never considered it necessary to be- come informed on the subject of natural history. Indeed, she ac- cepted the science as a lovely thing in general and was perfectly willing H\ to call anything “cute,” from an elephant to a mosquito, One branch of natural history, however, has re- ) ceived some study from her. That is man, For the past year she has been studying Mr. Horace Gooph, a young man who is best des das one of the sort that “means well.” Sophronia always said that if there was a little more life and “ get-up " about Horace he would be all right. Last March Sophronia went down in Pennsylvania to visit a country cousin who was going to be mar- ried. Women will go anywhere at any time under such circumstances. While there, she took a stroll through the forests and fields one afternoon and discovered a large gray bundle hanging on a tree. It was “cute,” she vowed, and nothing would do but that she must take it home with her. She would not say what she wanted with it. Uncle Josiah told her to be W. D. NESBIT, (* JOSH. WID When the police arrived, mighty careful what she did with it, but she tossed her head and supposed that she knew what she was doing. When she returned home, she used that large gray bundle as the in- side feature of a sofa pillow. Its odd shape attracted much attention, es- pecially from Horace Gooph, but no one ever leaned on it, because So- phronia said it was to be seen and not sat upon. Last Sunday night Horace made his usual call. There was evidently something on the young man’s mind, He had that distracted, worried air which is characteristic of a man when he is about to ask a certain question. He sat upon the lounge and let one arm fall carelessly over the new pillow. He began stammering things to Sophronia, who obstinately refused to take for granted what she knew perfectly well he wanted to say, but was de- termined that he should go on to the bitter end. However, she gradually drew a trifle nearer him. Horace had just reached the “ Will you be” part of his remarks when he started suddenly and looked at Sophronia with an expression of doubt and surprise. “This,” he assured her, “is a serious matter. should be so playful and stick me with a pin when I". “Why, Horace Gooph! Whatever are you saying? I never did any- thing of the kind,” protested Sophronia. Horace looked as if he had his doubts, and tried to gather his thoughts in order to resume where he had left off, without having to go through the whole story again, when he shot up in the air with an “ Ouch !” “ Horace!" exclaimed Sophronia, “What do you mean by such actions?” I do not think you “ Sophronia, is that little brother of yours hiding around this sofa?” She assured him the boy was not, but he leaned over to investi- gate for himself, when he gave a wild whoop and stiffened to the back of the sofa, with his eyes glar- ing, and his hands clenched. “Horace! Have you been drinking ?” But just then the boss hornet of them all crept up between Horace’s vest and shirt and stabbed him over the heart, and Horace yelled like a Pi-Ute Indian at beef distribution, He tried to get to his feet, but the boss hornet’s assistant had promenaded around his waist- band and sneaked through the bosom of his shirt and simply im- paled him just at the third rib. Horace looked at the frightened girl with a wild, hunted stare, and shouted : * Good goddelmightey ! womanwhatareyoudoingtome ?” “ Horace! Horace!" shricked Sophronia. “What kind of a dadblasted sort of a blank- etyblanked game is this?” yelped Horace. “Am I being assassina — ow! wow! Helendamnation, girl, what are you sittin’ there an’ lookin’ like a fool for when I am bein’ killed? Killed — do you hear me—kill—oh ! oh! ouch!" The hornets thought it was the mad and merry yday picnic of the Hornet family and they were on Horace’s spine and running up and down him, pausing ever and anon to sound him. At every probe he jumped three feet straight up and then sat down on the nest again with a crashing thud that only called out the reserves and the home guard. By this time old man Higgins had heard the noise, and came down to the parlor with his sus- penders trailing. Sophronia ran to him with a sob, when one of the skirmishers took her in the nape of the neck and she simply threw both hands in the air and shouted bloody murder. Higgins started for Horace, thinking the boy had gone daft from love, when the boss hornet spied him and shifted from his first victim, taking Higgins on the tip of the nose and carroming to his Adam's apple in one time and two motions. Higgins dropped Sophronia to the floor and dashed to the hall, where he yelled for the police. Here he was knocked down and trampled upon by Horace, who had rallied sufficiently to get his bearings, but who made his escape in jerky jumps that indicated how well the hornets were covering his trail. At the door he ran into a policeman, who told him he was under arrest and immedi- ately drew his revolver and threatened to shoot him if he did not drop that knife, Horace told him to go ahead and shoot, it would be merciful to put him out of his misery. Then five more hornets lit on the policeman and he beat Horace two lengths to the next street. Higgins himself came to the middle of the road in one jump, and tripped on his suspenders and rolled around in agony while the hornets continued signing their autographs on him. Sophronia fled to one of the neighbors’ in hysterics. The hornets flew out of the door and went back to the quiet country that they loved so well. It was three o'clock in the morning before the Higgins family and the policeman had solved the mystery and thrown the sofa pillow away. Next day Horace Gooph finished his proposal by telephone, Sophronia having called him up to ask how he was recovering and to explain matters as well as she could his is a serious matter.” ADA he comicbooks.com