Judge — August 10, 1901 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Judge’s Funny Stories by Serious People, and Vice Versa. HOW | SOUGHT A CONSULATE. LEE FAIRCHILD, By Lee Fairchild. FTER the Presidential campaign I went to Washington and put up at one of the hotels and began to find fault with the furniture and the mirror. The management made such changes as suited my good taste. I spent several days shaking hands with the big men of the Nation. Then one bright day I went over to see the President. I took no one with me to introduce me, and, walking in, saluted him as “Bill.” I noticed at once that I was not making as much of a hit with him as I had a few months before when at a rally in our town I had slapped him on the back. Just then one of the at- tendants said to me, quite confidentially, “Tf you wish a word with the President you would better fall in line.” I did fall in line, and the fall I took would have amused Adam and entertained Lucifer! The fall took me clean out of the White House and into the beautiful grounds fronting the Executive Mansion. Having thus lined-up, I inquired of the fellow im- mediately ahead of me who the liners-up were. He informed me that they were all “original” Mc- Kinley men. At two o'clock in the afternoon I called a passing messenger boy and sent him for a sandwich and took lunch with myself on the stair- way leading to the lobby of the second floor of the Mansion, That day the President quit running the country about four o'clock and the “ originals” broke ranks and went down-town. Most of them looked hopeful; however, their looks of anticipation were a little clouded with anxiety. One fel- low passed me whom I recognized as a stealer of ballot-boxes, and he seemed already in possession of what he was seeking. ‘The following day I got to the President as one of the “liners- up.” At either side of me was an American citizen, the one from Berlin and the other one from Dublin, pressing me to hurry up; at the same time there was a stranger pressing the wrinkles out of the back of my coat. What a “On either side of me was an American citizen, one from Berlin and the other from Dublin.” ** Twas told to fall in line.” lot of backing I had that memorable day! The fellows at my side were so close to me that when I had exhaled my request it was impos- sible for me to inhale, and I had to move on in order to take up the breath of life again. ‘The President did not hear my request on account of my speaking in such a low tone of voice. I was afraid that the fellows against me might be after the same position that I was, and hence, in my effort to keep them from hearing me, the President himself was unable to catch what I said. Later I learned that the people who do good service in the cam- paign are not rewarded, since the President wishes the ones receiving favors at his hands to be duly grateful, having received something for nothing. I had told him that I had been one of his chief “ spell- binders,” and of the different States in which I had “ bound ” them. Then I changed my tactics and posed as one of the rank and file who ranked but few and filed never, When I presented myself in this latter réle the President, while looking at the carpet, said, “I'm glad to see you.” Then he requested me to put my matter in writing. I did. It took me about three weeks. At last, when I sent him the voluminous manuscript concerning myself and my wishes, one of his assistants sent it back with the statement that the President was not a publisher ! I called again and found that the President was attending a Cabinet meeting. As I came out into another waiting-room I noticed a queer- looking plant in the window. I made bold to ask the colored fellow in charge what the name of the plant might be. He informed me that it was a century plant. It seems that it is a great sight when it blooms, and that it was put there by some budding genius that the office-seekers may have something of interest to look forward to. “* He informed me it was a century plant.” he Bhd comicbooks.com