Judge — July 6, 1901 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Judge’s Funny Stories by Serious People, and Vice Versa. MR. SAINT PETER’S BUSY DAY; OR, GREED RAMPANT. By the late Stephen Crane. Scene—Paradise, New Jersey. 7éme—The end of it. Dramatis Persona, Mr. Jno. P. Saint Peter. Crowd of Gentiles. Mob of Jews. MB&salnt PETER is discovered, seated comfortably up- on a small box near the turnstile at the two- forty gate, the main entrance to Paradise, New Jersey. He is slumbering peacefully, as the dull rattle of his snore mingles harmo- niously with the sounds of low sweet music from within, All is quietness, contentment and infinite rest. Suddenly, discordant sounds can be heard from without. There is a hollow roar, as of an approaching tempest, in the air. ‘The lights of Para- dise swing and flicker as if a wind had intruded. The guardian of the gates arouses himself, By courtesy of Messrs. D. Appleton & Co, publishers of “The Red Badge of Courage.” ete, The wise Jew now has clear field. He flies unmolested through the turnstile and is three-quarters of the way down the centre aisle before he is discovered by his comrades, They set up a howl and charge on the turnstile, Mr. Saint Peter's eyes start from his head. With his hair on end, he climbs up his little box and draws his gown carefully about his legs. The Jews pour through in a torrent. The turnstile clicks like a crazy stem-winding watch. ‘The metal grows hot from the friction, It seethes and throws off steam, Mr. Saint Peter is compelled to dash a pail of water upon it. The Jews pour in like a runaway flood. The Jews swarm down the centre aisle. They all attempt to sit down in the front seats. In consequence, there is another frightful row. They bleed from wounds ; their clothing is in tatters; yet they madly hurl them- selves upon each other like wild animals—many have fainted, ‘The rest fight for programmes, Mr. Saint Peter mops his brow and sinks down upon his box with the eyes of a bewildered hunted thing. Low murmuring sounds heard from without, Mr. Saint Peter starts up, listens, wrings his hands and then tears out half the little fringe of about his head. Mutterings seem to be coming gradually nearer. Mr. Saint Peter tears out the other half of the little fringe, Enter crowd of Gentiles. They pass in, The turnstile clicks. Mr. Saint Peter beams. The Gentiles march in an orderly and modest man- ner down the centre aisle. Suddenly they stop and gaze in amazement. very good seat in the house is occupied by a Jew. The entire front is a wriggling mass of big noses and diamonds. ‘They rise in a tremendous wall. The Gentiles are compelled to take the rear seats. The Gentiles places his hand behind i) his ear, and listens. | Wf The roar comes LX a ete gradually louder, It de- Zz velops into the sound Y of loud voices raised in wrath, discussions, dis- quarrels, bick- rings, and the noise of scrambling feet. Mr. Saint Peter rushes to the turnstile. Enter, without GLA--8 grieve. No view for them at all. They can’t secanything. The Jews look back in scorn and sneer at the unfor- tunate Gentile: The leading Gen- tiles think. Finally a thoughtful Gentile pro- aplan. After listening to his whis- pered proposal they pat him on the back ape eae and evidently tell him disheveled mobof Je that he has a great They make a furious head. ‘The thought- sh for the turnstile. irteen clothes - deal- ful Gentile gets a ers try to squeeze through the turnstile at one time. Two-score pawn-brokers attempt to climb over the iron railing. A syndicate of theatrical managers form a flying wedge. Mr. Saint Peter makes a gallant resistance. He bats the invaders over the head with his huge key and pushes them back. There ensues a dreadful m They fight among themselves. There is a shrill chorus of angry voices. One Jew attempts to go legitimately through the turnstile. His companions drag him back by his coat-tails. All then try to go through first. Mr. Saint Peter is in immense consternation. The Jews engage in a fierce battle at the gate. There is a repetition of the shrill chorus of angry voices. Mr, Saint Peter frantically tears a handful from the litle gray fringe of hair that encircles his venerable head. Wildest uproar ! nally, a wise Jew, after pondering a moment, takes a valuable dol- lar-and-a-half ring from his finger and, then in a full view of the palpitat- ing throng, he hurls it down the stairs behind him. Instantly every eye is fixed upon the flight of the ring, A single impulse animates the whole body. The mob, forgetting all else, turns and plunges, dives headlong, in pursuit. They tumble over each other in their anxiety to grasp the trinket. * It is an avalanche of bargain-hunters.” “* They make a furious rush for the turnstile.” piece of white cloth from the floor, which probably some Jew had brought with him, hoping to do a little business with the inhabitants of Paradise, New Jersey, but had inadvertently lost it in the mélée. The thoughtful Gentile takes a fountain - pen from his pocket and carefully prints a sign upon the cloth. Then, raising it upon a walking-stick, he exhibits it after the manner of a transparency. He marches slowly along in front of the Jews. The Jews observe him and read the sign. rise out of their seats, their eyes bulging. the throng, for upon the sign they read : They start, quiver, and An electric spasm sweeps over JOB LOTS! JOB LOTS! FIRE SALE! DOWN IN SHEOL, CAPE MAY COUNTY, NEW JERS! Selling out at 2 per cent. of cost. With a convulsive movement they vacate the front seats. centre aisle they again tumble over each other. They squirm, they buffet, they pant, they fly headlong. ‘The Gentiles facetiously cheer them on. Mr. Saint Peter opens the fire-exits, and then climbs up on the top fresco of the central archway, where he tangles his legs and arms around a beam and hangs on for dear life. The floor swirls and trembles beneath the mighty, tempestuous rush of the mad Jews. They hurl themselves down the stairway. It is an avalanche of bargain-hunters. A row of twenty- three Jews are telescoped at the first landing. The terrific thunder of their foot falls grows fainter and fainter—it dies away in hollow rumble. Mr. Saint Peter climbs down; then swoons on the floor. In the meantime the Gentiles had moved up to the front seats. Up hes Cra Down the comicbooks.com