Judge — March 9, 1901 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HIS ONE REGRET. +6] AM not given, as a rule,” said the sage of Kohack, “to harkin’ back to the past for consolation an’ contend- in’ that the old days an’ the old ways were better than those of the present. “1 don't think the times when we rode in stage-coaches for penance, pulled each other's noses for pastime, an’ szid ‘Go to —-," omittin’, if you please,the last stanza, were more comfortable than these days of palace-cars and political cartoons; 1 don’t contend that the housewife of to-day can’t bake a turkey so’s it tastes half as good as the auk, or moa, or dodo that my great-great - great-grand- mother several hundred FROM UPSTAIRS. times removed used to Mr. Coox—'*Gee! but ain't I glad that those bees frizzle on a hot rock in the moved into our basement.” ancestral cave; an’! don't believe that if the ichthy- osaurus or the rectangaremus had been preserved from extinction till just now either of ‘em would have been a more laudable domestic animal than the Jersey cow, or would have been worth any more times its intrinsic value when run over by the cars. ‘ = Miss PorKENHAMM (of Chicago)—'"* I suppose it’s dead easy writing poetry, is it not?” Mr. MapRiccLe (ef Mew Yor)—" Oh, not at all. Some of us linger on for years. ‘ reasons, includin’ the fact that if I was alive then I'd be dead now. And so forth. “But I do hold that things would bea little more pleasant nowadays if one particular set of ancient folks were still in our midst—namely, the Stoics. Them peo- ple had the now obsolete idea firmly fixed in their heads that their own personal woes were of no interest to anybody else, an’ took pride in never sayin’ anything about ‘em, an’ also that other people's afflictions were of no interest to them—the Stoics, | mean—an’ appar- ently took an equal amount of pride in not lettin’ ‘em— the other people, that is—bother ‘em!—the Stoics— with information about “em—the troubles. I think that if the aforesaid Stoics were now among us, where they could be imitated an’ patterned after, life would be more satisfactory, in that one respect, at least, than it 1s under . . the existin’ order of things. Otherwise, almost every- IN ST. LOUIS. thing I can think of suits me very well.” “*Vaiter, pring me a shmaller knife. Dis von is so big I can't get it in mine mout’ at all.” TOM P. MORGAN, “don’t regret that the chival- rous fad of gentlemen spreadin’ their cloaks in the mud for ladies to walk on has been superseded by the practice of ladies walkin’ on gentlemen's necks—it amounts to the same thing in the long run, 1 consider the present methods of il- lumination by means of electricity, coal-oil, an’ so on, in every respect superior to the hectic fashion the old. Romans had of lightin’ their lawns by means of inflammable early Christians tied to posts an’ touched off in unison at the proper moment; Thold that that method of obtain- in’ light on the subject was even rougher than our present plan of talkin’ to death such religionists as do not agree with us, an’ not nearly as solemn an’ impressive as the practice that not so very long ago prevailed of burnin’ ye witches at ye stake in good old Salem town. No, Td lots rather be a citizen of the ‘Av CANDID “OPINION: present Annie Dommerni than of ; ; FATHER (with fears)—"* This is going to pain me more than you, but it is my parental duty to bear it.” any period of the past, for various Sox—* Huh! Funny it wasn't your parental duty last week, when you had a sprained wrist,” comicbooks.com