Judge, 1901-03-09 · page 5 of 22
Judge — March 9, 1901 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several distinct pieces of social and political satire: **"Success"** — A poem mocking the American self-made-man myth, presenting an over-earnest prescription for boys to achieve wealth through hard work and determination ("some day you may be president"). **"Looking Ahead"** — British gentlemen discuss American annexation of Canada, with dark humor: the Second Englishman reasons they should ally with America so they can extract trade concessions *when* (not *if*) Canada is annexed. The satire targets both British imperial complacency and American expansionism. **"A Little Too Much"** — A woman prioritizes learning golf over romantic love, satirizing the era's new emphasis on women's leisure activities over traditional courtship. **"Poor Love is Dead"** — Poetic satire claiming Romantic poetry is exhausted; poets should find new subjects since love has been over-analyzed into meaninglessness. **"Explained"** — A humorous tax/bookkeeping dispute where a father proudly notes his son keeps poor records at commercial college, unwittingly admitting incompetence. **"Reassuring"** — A horse dealer reassures a nervous customer about trusting his wife and mother-in-law with an unpredictable horse—the joke being the horse won't shy at things it can't see, implying the women are invisible or insignificant.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
SUCCESS. A real nice poem for energetic little boys, but not girls, H, little boys, If you would win Success in life, You must go in With all your might, Also your main, Resolved that triumph You will gain. On bloody battle- Fields, perhaps, Or chasing wild Commercial snaps, Or writing verse, Or raising hogs, Or studying art, Or selling logs. Do not despair If at the first You find your luck Is of the worst ; The men to-day, Who're rich and great, Had, at their start, No better fate. You're young and strong, And struggling will Prepare you best To fill the bill ; And if you strive With high intent, Some day you may Be president. And won't that be nice? Oh me, Oh my. WILLIAM J. LAMFTON. LOOKING AHEAD. First Englishman — “There isa strong probability that some day the United States will annex Canada.” Second Englishman— “Exactly, and that is just why we need an alliance with America.” First Englishman — * Why, I fail to see what good that would do, don’t you know.” Second Englishman —" Well, under an alliance, when America an- nexed Canada couldn't we very properly ask for trade concessions or a A LITTLE TOO MUCH. Hr —** Couldn't you learn to love me?” Sue coaling station somewhere in the annexed territory ?” What! While learning golf? Just imagine !” “Oh, dot bill vos all right: WINTER DAYS IN SUBVILLE. T IS not what you get but what you keep that counts —especially servants. Never laugh at the ice man in winter or the coal man in summer — between them they own the year. The more bundles the commuter carries the bigger the snow drifts. Hot words never thaw frozen pipes. Charity is cold; charity begins at home—therefore de- spise not the cold breakfast. The later the train the shorter the work day. Never carry troubles — send them by telephone to the plumber. When in doubt cat cough drops. Always praise the snow paths the small boys dig; it en- courages them and saves you. Keep cool. siuas sons. POOR LOVE IS DEAD! E'VE killed him with an- alysis, Inflicting sure paralysis, And all the dainty myths and things Have flown upon his erstwhile wings. So, poets, change your constant the ieme, Think up some other unworn scheme To versify your minds’ unrest— For Love is but a ghastly jest ! Is Love not dead ? EXPLAINED. 66] DON'T understand this bill, Guggins,” said Dimling. “You've got me charged with twenty - five bushels of oats twice on the same date, and then a week later with two more items of twenty-five bushels each, when I got only twenty-five bushels each time.” Mein son, he keep de books, and he takes lessons in book-keeping at de commercial college. Dot vos double-ent REASSURING. MEEKTON (before purchasing —'' Would it be safe to trust my wife and mother-in-law behind that horse ?” Deater—'* Dear me, yes! He won't shy at anything he can’t see, you know.” comicbooks.com