Judge, 1900-03-10 · page 10 of 16
Judge — March 10, 1900 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple satirical sketches typical of turn-of-the-century American humor: **"A Twentieth-Century Miracle"** depicts rural/working-class characters (Zeke, Dad, Sally) in a sentimental narrative where a son cuts down an oak tree to attend a barbecue—framed as miraculous compromise. The satire targets provincial life and family dynamics. **"Incompatibility"** mocks contemporary divorce proceedings through a woman listing absurd spousal grievances (snoring, cold feet, pocket-picking, noise, dish-throwing, scalding, obnoxious mother) to justify dissolution. It satirizes both marital discord and the legal entertainment value of divorce cases. **"He Recognized It"** presents a Jonah-and-whale reference with literary pretension—the protagonist recognizes the whale's expression as "arch," mocking novelistic clichés. **"Ashes of Roses"** satirizes sentimental Japonisme—the fashionable fascination with Japanese aesthetics—through exaggerated romantic poetry addressed to a Japanese woman who pragmatically requests "cash" instead of decorative fans. **"Next Door to It"** jokes about marital nicknames, comparing "honey" to "old beeswa[x]." The page blends domestic comedy with contemporary cultural critique.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
4154 A TWENTIETH-CENTURY MIRACLE, Dap —" Ye'll git dun huskin’ corn ter nite, Zeke, and ter-morry I want yer ter cut down this oak.” Zexe—"* Bui, dad, ter-morry is a hollyday, and I wus kalkerlatin’ ter go off.” Dab (chuckling }—"* Wa-al, when the tree 's down ye kin go." WARE iy) 2 And I dun promised ter take jorry | She'll never furgive me, (Groans.) Sally to ther barbique ter. and Jim Jones ‘Il get hes. 3. Wise possum — ** The complection of that crowd makes me feel that it will be safer up this tall oak than on the ground to play possum.” First CoLoReD cit1zeN—"‘ Boys, dat One ob yer go foh anodder axe, foh dis tree s got ter come down if er take all nite.” sum am fat. INCOMPATIBILITY. Divorce LAwYER—"' Why do you want a divorce?” Woman (sweeping )—"* Why, the wretch accuses me of snoring in my sleep, of having cold feet, of going through his pockets, of talking all the time, of hitting him with dishes, of scalding him, of having a mother who lives with us, and of making him sleep in the woodshed nights! It would take a saint to live with him, and I want a divorce on the grounds of incompatibility of temperament.” HE RECOGNIZED IT. ONAH saw the whale’s mouth opening to receive him. The mighty upper jaw curved above him like the dome of a cathedral. “I suppose this," he soliloquized sadly, “is what a novelist would describe as an ‘arch expression.’” The next instant he was engulfed, LADYS B. asks us to please tell her how to make a lemon tart. Only a cooking-school graduate could show such crass ignorance as this. Why, Gladys, dear, a lemon # tart; there is no need to make it so. ASHES OF ROSES. H, BLOOM of blooms, oh, pearl of pearls, Oh, princess of princesses, dearest of girls — With eyes as dusk as the dark, deep tide— And very nearly as cold beside — You hold my heart in your lax embrace, My love and my judgment are running a race. Your obi of gold enslaves my heart, And so does your eyebrow — as straight as a dart — As you whirl your fan you dazzle my eyes, As I watch you dance my reason flies ; I'm your prostrate slave, sweet maid of Japan — I'd fain be your shoe-string, 0% your fan. ick to I pile large sweets of wondrous art Ona silk fan (painted a bleeding-heart) And over these throw huge roses red— In each petal’s heart is my love-tale said. She takes them and bows, pouts her lips, lowers lash— Says, “I thank you so muchee — I — more likee cash.” sewatt. reap. NEXT DOOR TO IT. Farmer Higgins (calling on Farmer Wilcox, whose wife always addresses him as honey)—“' My wife never actually calls me honey, but she comes pretty near it—she calls me old beeswa: ZEKE (next morning) —"* Hooray, a mirakule! and Sally's mine.” comicbooks.com