Judge, 1900-01-20 · page 5 of 16
Judge — January 20, 1900 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from *Judge* magazine contains three separate humorous pieces: **"Infantile Logic After the Holidays"** (top): A teacher asks a student who was the father of America. The student answers "Santa Claus," then revises to say "fathers is the Santy Clauses of this country, anyway"—a joke about how children conflate Santa with paternal authority figures. **"Winter Notes from the Outskirts"** (left): A series of brief, sardonic observations about suburban winter life—complaining about unheated trolleys, coal bins, and the inconvenient placement of umbrellas relative to rain. **"Poor, Poor Fellow!"** (right): A beggar claims his head injury came from a Filipino coconut shell in the Philippines (likely referencing the Philippine-American War, circa 1899-1902), but his exaggerated dialect and dramatic suffering suggest he's a con artist exploiting charitable sympathy. The bottom section contains brief witticisms about commuters, suburbanites, and a joke about Chicago's inflated population counts (a jab at the city's dubious census figures).
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
INFANTILE LOGIC AFTER THE HOLIDAYS. ‘TeactteR—* Who was the father of this country?” ScuoLar—'* Santy Claus.” ‘0, no! Well, fathers is the Santy Clauses of this country, anyway.” WINTER NOTES FROM THE OUTSKIRTS. ‘A MAN is known by the ashes he sprinkles. The recording angel never bothers about the man with a bad cold. The golf-fiend should take his win- ter exercise on the snow-paths. When the snow gets too deep go down in the cellar and gaze at the lawn- mower. Why should we sigh for the north- pole when we have the unheated trol- ley-cars ? The man with a full coal- bin should not be too proud. The furnace may get out of order. ‘The commuter who miss- es the last express and sits Why does it rain and snow only in the suburbs when the umbrella is at the office? Why does it rain and snow only at the office when the umbrella is twenty miles in the country? Answer that, ye higher critics, and let the smaller problems of life alone. - 1 waning, POOR, POOR FELLOW! Charitable party —“ Poor soldier! here is fifty cents for you. Your sign reads that your head was lacerated in the Philippines by the bursting of a shell.” Masquerading Si—"Yes, kind madam; a Filipino citizen threw acocoanut-shell against my head with all his force, You doesn’t begin ter know de dangers uv war, mum— ought to be a linguist. The suburbanite’s favor- I) em." down to wait for a way-train f | : | ANT Hh | i \\\\\| you doesn’t begin ter know V i ite quotation is from Kipli © Lest we forget —lest we for- get.” And then he generally does. Mufiled is the suburban voice; muffled is the subur- ban tread; muffled is the suburban path; and around the suburban neck is the mufiler. UNPARDONABLE, Joxes—"* If I ever catch that young Sim; house for some time, and last night he skipped town with "— SaiTH—" With your daughter?” Jones ‘0, sir; without her.” in I'll shoot him. THE ENTERPRISING WEST. Warwick—"1 see Chi cago has had another popu- lation enumeration. It makes over two million this year.” Wickwire—What! over two million inhabitants?” Warwick —*No; enue merations.” He's been calling at my comicbooks.com