Judge, 1899-12-23 · page 12 of 46
Judge — December 23, 1899 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains several brief humorous anecdotes typical of early 20th-century American humor magazines. **"His Gift"** jokes about Admiral Dewey's picture being so ubiquitous in homes that a father offers his children the "gift" of removing it to see a blank wall instead—likely referencing Dewey's fame after the Spanish-American War (1898), when his image was mass-produced and displayed everywhere. **"She Knew"** presents a Sunday-school lesson on conscience backfiring when a child admits selfishness stems from stomachache, not moral awareness—gentle satire on moral instruction. **"A Nice Distinction"** is a dark joke contrasting two families by their men's deaths: one "hung for murder," the other "simply lynched"—satirizing racial violence and inequality in the American South through deadpan dialogue about social status. The remaining pieces are gentler children's humor involving wordplay (Robinson Crusoe as "surveyor," playing on "monarch of all he surveyed") and nostalgic exaggeration about Christmas arriving slowly as children.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
HIS GIFT. Children (in chorus) —" Poppy, what are you going to give us for Christmas?” Poorchap—"I'll take down the picture of Admiral Dewey and give you a rest for one day by letting you look at the blank wall.” SHE KNEW. Sunday-school teacher (illustrating the workings of conscience)—“ What is it, children, that makes you feel uncomfortable when you have eaten all your Christmas candy and not given any of it to your little friends who had none of their own?” Little Ethel Beenthere—"Tumach-ache, ma’am.” MARRIAGE is never a failure in that home where a man and a woman chip in and buy each other a lot of things for the baby. GOOD ANSWER, oe HO Ww was Robinson Crusoe?” Mr. Barlow ask- ed, testing his son's fund of general informa- tion, “He was a surveyor,” replied Bill surveyor? How do you make that out?” “ Doesn't the poem say that he was monarch of all he surveyed ?” IN THE OLD DAYS. Johnny (a few days before Christmas) — “Say, gran'pa; isn’t Christmas awful slow com- in’ this year?” Gran'pa—" Slow? Do you call this slow, my boy? You should have seen it when I was a boy. Why, one year I remem- ber of, Christmas was so slow coming that it didn’t get here till the middle of June! HIS PERPLEXITY. Storekeeper—"W ell, my little man, what can I do for you 2” Boy—"1f Santa Claus brings me an express-wagon A NICE DISTINCTION. with a wooden horse, how much Ms, Washout—" So de Johnsons claim to come ob better stock dan de Jacksons?” would you want to boot to ex- Mns. Wéincer—* Yais ; ole man Jobnson was hung for murder, while ole man Jackson was simply lynched.” change it for an automobile ?” comicbooks.com