Judge, 1899-02-25 · page 5 of 22
Judge — February 25, 1899 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from the satirical magazine *Judge* contains several unrelated humorous pieces: **"What Perplexed Him"**: A joke about medical incompetence—a patient confused about his ailment has visited six doctors, suggesting the medical profession's inability to diagnose. **"Young America Abroad"**: A brief anecdote mocking American social climbing. A child asks if Queen Victoria will speak to her in Hyde Park, revealing naive assumptions about royal protocol and American eagerness for aristocratic notice. **"A Billet of Direction"**: A Valentine's Day poem by Regina Armstrong humorously giving directions to a suitor using romantic metaphors (heart road, poet's cot, maiden lane), while simultaneously listing specific requirements: the man must be tall, fair, near twenty-eight years old, wealthy, and famous. **"Extreme Opposition"**: A joke about labor-leader "Sniggles," who opposes capital so vehemently he refuses to use capital letters in his own name—satirizing ideological extremism. **"In Washington's Time"**: A witty exchange about settling a dispute by foot-race, with one man proposing they run in opposite directions to avoid determining a winner.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
WHAT PERPLEXED HIM. So you don't know what ails you. Haven't you been to see a doctor ?” * Yes; that's just the trouble—I've been to sce six !” YOUNG AMERICA ABROAD. Ae G the crowd of fashionable folk in Rotten row stood litte Lois with her mother, ching for the coming of the royal equi- page—for the rumor had gone abroad that her majesty would drive in Hyde park that day. “ Mother, if the queen sees me will she speak to me “Oh, no, dear.” “ Why, mother ? sked little Lois. Is the queen so shy?” A BILLET OF DIRECTION. SAINT VALENTINE: In other days You sent me rhymes with pierced hearts ; And roses came in sweetheart ways, And lovers’ sighs in lace and darts, So many guises took you on, Each bolder and. in truth. more sweet, The stronghold of my favor won— I yielded, happy in defeat. One night, you mind how in the rain, In violets you came to sue, ith kisses stain, '"—I knew ‘twas you ! U kissed the violets, ‘The letter in'my bosom pressed ; And then | wrote some triolets And to the alias love confessed. And once a box of bonbons came, And on a card these words were writ : Sweets to the sweet, for so thy fame.”* * Thy Valentine ” was under it. Now, lest the way you have forgot, You take the heart road to the right, But tarry by the poet's cot, For true directions he'll indite. Then turn you.into Maiden lane— Cupid, belike, will be your guide— ‘The rose path girts the dial vane, in its bower I abide. But—if yourself you cannot come, hen some true lover pray express. I wish you'd give him wealth and some World-fame I don’t like men unless They're tall and fair ; age, anywhere Near twenty-eight (just let him guess My own). Be true—and note with care, Good saint, I'm at the same address. HEGINA ARMSTRONG, EXTREME OPPOSITION. NEVER saw a man so violently opposed to capital as Sniggles, the labor-leader.” remarked Spykes to Spokes. “ What about Sniggle: * Well, he won't even use capital letters in spelling his own name.” IN WASHINGTON'S TIME. “ What ! you propose to decide this by a foot-race? Man! I'd kill you at the goal for being such a coward.” * Then let's run in opposite directions.” comicbooks.com