Judge, 1898-04-09 · page 5 of 18
Judge — April 9, 1898 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple satirical pieces targeting financial schemes and social follies: **"Mr. Tooley Tells a Story"** (main feature): A cautionary tale in Irish-dialect vernacular about an inventor (O'Hagan) pitching a can-opener to an investor (Kelly). The joke exposes a con: Kelly keeps funding the project through endless "improvements"—patent lawyers, stock companies, copyrights—until the inventor dies of alcoholism. The punchline reveals the can-opener was merely a scheme to extract money from gullible investors. This satirizes both dubious "invention" schemes and investor gullibility during the industrial era. **Secondary jokes** mock life insurance (a man insures himself to his mother-in-law as motivation to live), Easter commercialism (dyeing hens' legs), and masculine pretension about understanding women. **"A First-of-April Episode"** (bottom): A monkey's April Fools' prank with a fake snake, accompanying the page's theme of deception and foolishness. The overall message critiques financial fraud, speculative investment, and human credulity.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
MR. TOOLEY TELLS A STORY. ne HERE wuz a mon an’ his name wuz Kelly, an’ there wuz an invintor an’ his name wuz O'Hagan; an’ wan day whin O'Hagan kim round t’ see Kelly he sid he hod invinted a can- opener thot wuz something new in its loine an’ aisily wurked, an’ Kelly siz,“ Phwere is ut?” an’ O'Hagan siz, “ Ut's only in me hid so far, but if Oi hod a few darlers Oi kud putt ut on th’ marrket.” So Kelly give th’ in- vintor a darler fer t’ git th’ can- opener out av his hid an’ onto th’ marrket, an’ th’ nixt day he give him another darler fer t’ perfict ut a little, an’ th’ nixt day he give him another darler fer t’ Perfict ut a little more, an’ th’ nixt day he give him another darler fer t’ git th’ roight twisht on ut, an’ th’ nixt day he give him another darler fer t’ git th’ moulds, an’ th’ nixt day he give him another darler fer t’ git th’ patterns, an’ th’ nist SOMETHING TO HOPE FOR. INSURANCE-PRESIDENT —"* Wonder why Jones took out that life-insurance policy in favor of his mother-in-law?” INSURANGE-AGENT—" Why, he says now he feels as if he'd got something to live for.” day he give him another darler fer t’ git th’ ma- terials, an’ th’ nixt day he give him another darler ‘t’ see a patent-lawyer wid, an’ th’ nixt day he give him another darler fer t' git th’ copyroight an’ trade-mark, an’ th’ nixt day he give him an- other darler fer t’ form a shtock-koompany, an’ th’ nixt day O'Hagan got th’ delerium-tremens an’ doid, an’ Kelly found out thot thot can-opener wuz only an invintion fer gittin’ gin out av suck- ers. But, az O'Hagan sid, “ Ut wuz something new in its loine an’ aisily wurked.” —c. u. west. NATURAL DEDUCTION, BY STROKE of childish enterprise ‘They grabbed the old hen’s legs And made her eat assorted dyes To produce Easter-eggs. HIS DEEP WISDOM. Sally Gay—" That fellow Grimshaw knows more about women than any other man of my acquaintance. PARTIALLY RETURNED. Dolly Swift—" How so?” say she only partially returned your affection?” Sally Gay—" He understands that he doesn't Yes; and that’s what I'm kicking about. She returned all the love-letters, but understand them.” A FIRST-OF-APRIL EPISODE, Monkey—" Hi! a snake !” ait comicbooks.com