Judge — September 11, 1897 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HAD HIS TOOLS WITH HIM. Jasper Hardtack (the wit of Clover Corners, whose friends have persuaded him to take a trip to New York and secure a position on a humorous paper)—" Kin I git a job here?” Editor (of the Side Splitter)—" You? What can you do? Can you write a comic article?” Jasper Hardtack—" No, not thet exzac'ly; but th’ fellers thet hangs raoun’ th’ groc’ry ‘n’ daown et th’ station ‘bout train- time tells me I'm awful funny.” Editor—" \ndeed? Can you draw?” Jasper Hardtack (hopefully) —" No; but ma put a home-made por'us- plaster atween my shoulders afore I left hum, It kin.” yp, crantay. JUST CHEWING. - ID you ever see a man doing something he didn’t want to do, when no one was making him, just because he couldn't stop? I do it every time I go to the island. I get a bag of peanuts because I can’t help myself. I know they're bad because I've often bought them before, but I've got to get them. Everybody gets them when they go to the island, So I sit under the trees, listening to the music, and eat peanuts in the dark, with many wry faces as I chew up bad ones with the gobd. But I cannot stop. I've got to keep on chewing. I'm under the spell. They're terribly dry as well as hard, and it’s hard work, this chewing peanuts, and makes you awful thirsty. I would like to get a drink so bad, but I won't leave my seat and go out of earshot of the music, or I would never get it again, So I stay where I am and try to eat more slowly. I stop chewing for two minutes, then I find my hand quietly stealing around to THE GAME IN DETAIL. Mr, Granpr. STANDER (enthusiastically) — Mrs. GRANDE STANDER (yawning)—"* How inconsistent ! \ the bag again, and I curse the man that introduced peanuts on the island, Why do I not stop buying 2 them? Why, indeed? Were you ever on the island on a pleasant A summer evening, listening to the band and with nothing to do? What did you do? 3 Every night I do the same thing. I go to hear the music, but I cannot resist the spell, and soon find myself doing the same as all the rest. Everywhere there is the crash of shells around me. It is so easy tocrack them. You can do it without thinking about it at all, But I have made up my mind. Iam going to learn to chew gum, and when I go again I will take a big bite just as I step off the boat, You Hiuage * Casey died at first and the bleachers yelled.” It’s no worse to dye than bleach.” EQUAL TO THE OCCASION, think it a little thing. Perhaps you were never on the island on a fine night with nothing to do but listen to the band. Mr. Harptack—" This recommendation says you drink like a fish." APPLICANT FOR PosttioN—"* Do it? Wa-al, I ‘spec’ he mean by dat I neber drink nuffin’ but watah.” Jom, Jackson, IN FUTURUM. HE IS growing quite fa knows ‘That the season's nearly ended. He'll be back in that hall-bedroom, up three long flights of stairs, With his dress-coat ‘neath the folding-bed, his shaving-kit on chairs ; He'll be swearing, fussing, fuming, that again it's come to pass ‘That he’s cooking his own coffee on the gas. mapetime onvis. ious now, is Ethelbert Montrose, At the hotel breakfast-table in the mountains, for he In another week, alas! THE USUAL WAY. Northern visitor—* Who composed the mob which lynched that negro last night, colonel?” Colonel Bludsoe—* Ouah best citizens, sub.” CARELESSNESS PUNISHED. Gotham—" How did you get those punctures?" JSersey—"1 forgot to put the mosquito-netting over my wheel last night.” THE CHINESE ARE SO IMITATIVE, Number 1 represents a wig : number 2, a false nose ; number 3, a beard and mustache; number 4, a Chinaman who is seized with an idea; number 5 shows the combination. comicbooks.com