Judge, 1897-09-04 · page 4 of 16
Judge — September 4, 1897 — page 4: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Analysis for Modern Readers This page from *Judge* magazine contains three satirical pieces: **"The Terrors of the Law"** mocks Victorian parenting anxieties through a child's logic. Willie exploits his mother's threats of punishment by noting that if she spanks him for talking, she violates her own rule—thus he's "safe" to cry loudly. The satire targets parents who use poorly-reasoned discipline and make empty threats. **"Judge's Favorites"** and **"Paradoxical"** are brief romantic/fashion poems poking fun at society women and fashion contradictions. **"The Model Woman"** parodies self-righteous morality, imagining an angel recording "those who dress the best." When asked if she's included, Abigail requests to be listed as someone who removes her hat at plays (a modest gesture). The angel's return showing her name "led all the rest" suggests even modest virtue-signaling is just vanity in disguise. **"Collaborators"** and **"Couldn't Place Him"** are brief joke captions about doctors and drunkenness. The humor relies on exposing hypocrisy in Victorian social conventions and parenting.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
148 = ieee JUDGE'S FAVORITES. HELEN BERTRAM. You fitted southward, Helen dear, Like birds that find the northland drear, hi for sunshine, even in December. ly there was fo need, with you, Of distance to enchant the view, And Nor charm the voice that now we but remember, PARADOXICAL. Mus, WELLINGTON —“* Are you sure this is the fashion ?” Mopistr — ** Oui, madame! Ze ver’ latest. Mrs, Swetiincton (stil! doubtful)— “Queer! It looks well and feels comfort. able.” uae THE TERRORS OF THE LAW. +s NOW, then, Willie,” remarks his mother, as she tucks the young gentleman away in his crib, “not a word out of your head, or mamma “Il have to spank her little boy.” Silence for five min- utes: then, “ Mamma?” Well, Willie, what is it?” “Willie don’t want 00 to ‘pank, mamma.” “Well, then, Willie must be a good boy and go right to sleep.” “ Will 00 ‘pank Wil- lie if Willie talks, mamma dear ?* “Yes, Willie, mamma will have to, because you'll wake baby up if you talk.” “Won't 00 have to ‘pank Willie if Willie don’t talk, mamma “No, darling, no. Now quiet right down, or mamma will have to tell papa and have papa punish you.” Sounds of loud and violent crying from Willie's direction. * Willie, for mercy’s sake stop that crying before you wake baby up! What is the matter now 2” “ Willie (sob) don’t want (sob, sob) 00 (sob) tell papa (sob, sob, sob) ‘tause papa ‘panks hard * “ Well, well, I won't tell papa if you'll stop crying quick. Do stop; that is a good boy !" * Am I dood boy. mamma dear ?" Yes, yes, darling COLLABORATORS. YouNG pocror (on a visit)}—"Are there many doctors in this town, sonny Boorstack — takers dere wuz her ‘ou'd t'ink so if you knew how many under- of course you are. Piease stop crying. Oh, what will I do if he wakes the baby * Will 00 dive Willie some tandy if he ‘tops tryin’ ?” * Yes, yes, Willie—now will you stop ?” ~ A drate bid lot of nice tandy, mamma dear ?” “ Yes—a bushel of it if you'll stop right off.” An’ tan I do to the ‘tore an’ buy it myself, dess like a drate bid man ?” * Yes, Willie ; yes !" * All ‘ite, mamma dear!" Silence for half an hour: then, * Mamma ?* * Yes, Willie —will that child ever be quiet 2” “Mamma, 00 said oo'd ‘pank Willie if he talked, an’ Willie talked a whole lot. Was 00 dess jo dear?” in’, mamma, ALBERT &. HOYT. THE MODEL WOMAN. ABIGAIL ADHEM (may her tribe increase !) Awoke one night from a deep dream of ce And saw within her seventh-story flat A strange typewriter ; and beside it sat An angel, clicking on the keys of gold; Abigail shivered and her feet grew cold, She raised her voice (but felt her spirits sink)— What writest thou?” ‘The vision tipped a wink, And with a slight amusement manifest. Answered, ‘The names of those who dress the best.” ** And am [in it?" Abby said. ‘Oh, no.” Replied the angel. Abby spoke ‘more low, But bravely still.‘ Write me as one, I pray, Who always takes her hat off at the play.” The angel wrote, and skipped. But the next night It came again, with manner most polite, And showed the names of those correct- COULDN'T PLACE HIM. Jupce —* You are charged with drunkenness — your face seems familiar to me.” PRISONER (teith dignity)—"* Quite likely, yer honer ; but I don't remember you—I can't keep track uv all de feilers I git drunk wit'.” ly dressed, And lo! Miss Adhem's name led all the rest, CAROLYN WELLS, comicbooks.com