Judge — April 3, 1897 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

222 uage FROM THE HAWVILLE CLARION. ARADOXICAL as it may seem, we are for the second time called upon to chronicle the untimely death of our esteemed fellow-citi- zen, Mr. Azberry Pritchett. As our readers are aware, Mr. Pritchett was a very peculiar man. At one time, late in the fall, he conceived the idea that his nose was < made of glass, and during the whole of the sub- sequent winter he steadfastly refrained from go- ing out of doors for fear the cold would crack it. During the succeeding spring—following out a peculiar line of reasoning which we have now forgotten—he strapped on a tin bill and went to picking corn with the chickens, It will be remembered how he once anointed his entire person with metallic roof-paint, which he firmly believed would obviate the necessity of his being bothered with clothing. During the two-months’ illness which re- sulted from this radical attempt to emancipate himself from the thralldom of fashion most of the paint wore off. ‘A few weeks ago he threw himself into an excessive perspiration while endeavoring to argue the subject of transcendentalism with a stone-deaf gen- tleman who had never heard of it, and to all appearances died that night of a congestive chill. At the request of his friends, who believed him dead, we aoa “2 gave him a most flattering obituary notice in this paper, little thinking that AN EXTRAORDINARY CALCULATION. we should soon be called upon to again perform the same service for him. —'* One dollar and four cents for that hen, eh? Why not The funeral was held on the following day, and just as the officiating _ '«t me have her for the even dollar? Farmer clergyman was bringing the sermon toa close the deceased, who lay in his coffin close to the open window, reviv- ed sufficiently to overhear two neigh- bors, who had no thought but that he was safely dead, discussing him with considerable freedom just outside of the window, It was evident that he considered himself criticised a trifle too harshly, for he suddenly sprang from his coffin, wrenched a leg from the chair upon which Deacon Lanks was sitting at the time—thus oversetting the deacon and breaking his collar- bone in two places—leaped through the window and made his traducers hard to catch, So angry was he at what he con sidered a gross lack of appreciation A SURE THING, upon the part of his townsmen that he Mars—"* Hello, old man! Come, have something with me.” * ee Moon. ¥ re New. s day.” ten years longer out of spite. Accord- again in less than a month.” ingly he converted his coffin into a bath-tub by lining it with zine, and on last Wednesday afternoon he was drowned in the same. Up to the time of this writing he is still dead, and as he was duly and becomingly buried’on the day following his demise, we are of the opinion that he is likely to stay so. THE COMING LEGISLATION. HE speaker of the Kansas new-woman legislature rose and pounded sternly on the desk with her gavelette. “The bill just offered and withdrawn,” she said, “ permitting women to wear corsets, however amusing, bespeaks a levity that is out of keeping with the dignity of our high office. I would request that mem- bers in future refrain from humorous archaisms that tend to retard routine busines: After this-mo- mentary digression the house began its most im- portant debate of the ses- sion on the question of compelling all male aliens to do away with trousers and whiskers. NOT ELIGIBLE. SOU HY didn’t you ac- Ww cept him? His heart is in the right place.” “Yes, 1 know that; = but the fellow has a misfit “LOOKING AFTER HIS WIFE'S MONKY,” fortune.” HORTCROPS—"' I will ef ye wait araound about fifteen minits. Ye see she hain’t laid yit, an’ fresh aigs er bringin’ four cents apiece." QUITE IRISH. OU can afford a race-horse well If you should feel you need him. ‘To make a slow horse really fast You simply must not feed him. HE WON THE GARMENT. MAN carried a pair of pantaloons back to his tailor and s Ican- not wear these pants. They are tight- erthan my skin.” The tailor said, “1 guess not. If you will prove that they are tighter than your skin I will make you a new pair for nothing.” The man replied, “I can sit down in my ski but I cannot in those pantaloons,’ FULLY PROTECTED. FIRsT ELECTRIC-LIGHT LINEMAN —"* While I was up on that pole near the theatre stage-entrance 1 could sce right into the chorus-girls' dressing-room.”” SPCOND LINEMAN—"* Wasn't you shocked ?* Fixst Linemax—" No; I had on me rubber comicbooks.com