Judge — April 3, 1897 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WHY HE CONTRIBUTED. sD GOODMAN (¢o chief Aightoayman)—* Brother, thy face is familiar. Are you not the gentleman who at the revival last night contributed fifty dollars for the amelioration of the heathen?” Hichwayaan — Wacal, ef I did I didn’ know it. T thought you said thet ther contributions las’ nij ight wuz fer spreadin’ ther gospel in foreign lands, an’ that's whar I prefer ter hev it spread ; ther’s too blame much uv it spread aroun’ this section now ter suit me. Savvy? MISS MARY ELLEN EASTSIDE AND GEORGE'S PREDECESSORS. [ GOT very tired of th’ salvation army. Ma didn’t; she goes there yet. Seemed t' me ‘t every feller from there ‘t showed me any at- tention gloried in tellin’ how bad he'd been. Th’ badder th’ better. They'd get up in meet- in’ an’ tell how they'd got drunk, an’ fought, an’ lied, an’ stole, an’ committed bigamy an’ every other crime known t' ther perleece; an’ when they come shinnin’ roun’ me I'd give ‘em th’g.b. Ma thought I ought not t’ done that. She thought I ought t’ ‘ve encouraged ‘em t' lead a better life. But I says t’ma, “1 ain't no male reformatory. Not much! Th’ feller ‘t wants me's got t’ have somethin’ t” offer me besides th’ ragged ends of a misspent life.” An’ I stuck to it. The first beau ‘t I had ‘t was any account was Elam Horner. He was thirty years old an’ aclerk in a railroad office on a salary of twelve CORRECT THING, ‘The Turkish cigarette smoking-room at the Johnnies club. HE WAS EXTREMELY HAPPY. And yet he had the blues, dollars a week. But I pull, an’ I come up t’ Elam with a hunk o' soft candy ‘t I was pullin'—"bout as big as my arm—an’ told him t' take a bite, an’ jest as soon as he set his teeth inter it (Miss Smart Aleck that I was!) I give th’ candy a yank an’ pulled his false teeth out. I didn’t see much of Elam after that for along while; an’ I heard ‘t he'd gone t’ Har- lem t' live an’ was payin’ attention t’ a red- headed school-marm. One day about a year ago I got into a Third-avenue car, an’ th’ man ‘t got up t’ give me a seat was Elam. After we'd shook hands I was a little bit flustrated, an’ I says, “ How's your red-headed school- marm, Mr. Horner?” An’ he laughed good- natured like an’ says, “Ob, she’s all right, I guess. Turn round an’ I'll interduce you to her.” An’ he turned t’a red-haired lady in spectacles sittin’ next me, an’ he says, “ Bessie, this is Miss Eastside, ‘t you've heard me speak of. This is my wife, Miss Eastside.” Didn't I expect t’ get th’ frozen face from her though? But I didn't. She's awful old— as much as twenty-seven or eight; but she’s never had no luck with real pleasant. An’ next Sunday George an’ me ‘s goin’ to visit ‘em over t” him. I was always Bayonne, steppin’ on his corns. One time he brought his autygraph - album for me t’ write in, an’ when we was lookin’ it ‘over we come acrost a piece in th’ awfullest writin’! Regular hen- scratches, I couldn't make out th’ name, but I managed t’ guess out th’ rest—“A place for everything and eve thing in its place. “Well!” I says, “1 shouldn't think an al- bum was any place for such writin’ as that.” “That's my dear old father’s writin’, Miss Eastside,” he an’ he died last After that one je night we had a candy- birthday.” MADELINE oxvis. CHANGE OF HEART. Youne Stimjit—"* Dear old parent ! i sends,me a fine pair of boots for my later)" Blankety blank, stupid old ig- Youxe Sunyim (a few moments noramus.——!——!——!—_—$ comicbooks.com