Judge — January 30, 1897 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SAMANTHY’S SAYIN’S. oe HAT WwW wud I do ef I wuz Het- ty Green, the tichest woman in America? Oh, shucks! ask me somethin | easier. But say, mister! What wud Hetty Green do ef she wuz me—a lone widder without acent, ‘cept my ae dried apples an‘ egg-money? That's what's a-gnawin’ at my vitals.” THE PRIZE-FIGHTERS NEGOTIATE First prise-fighter (arranging negotiations for a coming fight)—“I must fight. D'ye see?” Second prise-fghter—"An' \'m plumb bound ter fight. I'll meet you at any time or any place. See?” First prize.fighter—* Well, den, \'ll knock de Engage a Detroit breath out of yer in Detroit. undertaker ter-morrer.” Second prize-fighter—"\ won't fight in De- FATHER—"" It's a little old-fashioned, my dear, but your beaux can’t help seeing it.” troit. Its climate don’t suit me. D'ye see? But I'll separate yer from yer body down in Texas.” First prize-fighter—" Naw! Come off! No Texas in mine. I prom- ised me dyin’ mother I'd never fight south of Mason an’ Dixon's line. But I'll pulverize yer inter bird-food in Canada.” Second prise-fighter—'\ fight in me own land beneat’ me own flag. Ketch on? Come an’ meet me in Flor- ida next mont’ an’ bring yer grave- stone wid yer. Tumble?” First prize-fighter—*Git out! 1 ain't exposin’ meself to no alligaters. Snatch down de map up dere an’ let us look it over.” (They look over the map together, but can find no place that is satisfac- tory to both.) First prize-fighter—" Well, what we goin’ ter do? Ain't no place on de whole blame map fer us ter fight, What we goin’ ter do?” Second prize-fighter— Easy ‘nough. First prise-fighter— Bully idea! grows up fer us. Good-bye.” Second prize-fighter—" Good-bye.” Tueresa O'NAUGHT—"* Mus's wot's got a wheel, so's yer kin wear bloomers?” Wait fer some new place ter grow up.” I'm jest dead set on fightin’ as soon as some fittin’ place THE CHARGE CHANGED. SeYOU are charged with assault and battery.” said the magistrate. “Your honor, all I did was to push a crazy man gently out of my store.” “Then I shall have to hold you for shoving the queer.” ITS DISTINCTIVE FEATURE. +e \VHAT is the difference Ww between food and drink?” Papa asked Margie this question one day, and this was her reply, “Jink is somefin’ zat don't mate danma’s teese wattle.” GOLF TERM. “Addressing the ball.” A TIMELY GIFT. AN EXAMPLE IN SUB- TRACTION. ALINDA, a small country maiden In town for a maddening week, Is given a night of grand opera— Balinda''s old-fashioned and meek _-* Mamma,” she entreats her attention, In sympathy and distress ; “ Mamma, how I pity those ladies Who can only go out in full-dress.” * But why do you think that is true, dear?” Mamma says, her secret to gain. “*Canse if that is full-dress—when it isn’t There wouldn't not nuffin’ remain.” MAR ST. JONN-DRAMMALL. it be gran’ ter ‘ave a young man RURAL SIMPLICITY. Uncte Sias—" Wonder ef this be th’ car thet’ll take us tew whar we wanter go an’ fish?” Aunt Fursy—"' It must be, Silas : ‘cause thar's some feller’s fish-net hangin’ tew th’ front of th’ car.” comicbooks.com