Judge — December 5, 1896 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Sage UNCLE EBEN’S SAGE SAWS. AT ABOUT thutty yeahs ob age we all tink dat we got a boy dat will occerpy de presidential cheer, an’ about ‘S\_ sixty yeahs ob age we is all mighty glad ef it ain’ de ‘Iec- tric cheer. Ennybody kin steal a shoat, but de successful man gits him in de bag widout squealin’. Yo" might as well ask a niggah how he made his ha’r curl as toe ask a business man how he made his money. Dey was jes’ nachally bawn so. Ef sumbody gibs yo’ a man strain his back helpin’ yo" shoulder hit. je ob meat doan’ make de Dey is a mighty big moral in dis. My neighbo' ‘s got a tendah cawnscience an’ a good watch, but I doan’ trust eider ob dem ef I wanter ketch a good trade er a train, Yo’ kin belt an open enemy wid a club, but whad yo" gwine do wid a fool friend? Dar am folks who spile de injoyment ob life an’ a bologna-sassidge by annualizin’ hit too closely in search ob a piece ob de harness. Dat also am a weariness ob de flesh. ALT. WORDEN, AN IMMEDIATE EFFECT. ON MR, WARFIELD'S estate in Howard county, Maryland, is a large lake, which he lately stocked with Japanese gold-fish. This lake is fed by a branch that runs through the property. On last election-day the water was let out and a number of the fish escaped down the branch, in the stream for forty years caught seven large gold-fish. He hurried home and proudly laid the glittering prize on the table, called his wife, and said, “Look heah, ‘Liza Jane! I bilieve in McKinley shuab, fo’ all de fish in de branch hab turned to gold.” HOAR-FROST, AT MIDNIGHT, through the ruin he had made, Gray Winter, affrighted, fled. Amidst the tumult of his sad heart strayed The ghosts of all his dead. Sear leaves and grass and darkened stars of earth, All robed in argent white — Strange beings loosed from bonds of mortal birth— Pursued him through the night. JOUN DAML warTE, VERY PRACTICAL AS- TRONOMY. Old sea-captain (speaking earnestly, in sailors’ mission)—“ The heavens are useful as well as ornamental. With my night-glass I can pick out every letter of the alphabet among the stars; also the big dipper, little dipper, the bear's tail, and oth- er utensils used for household purposes.” 1. IN THE STYLE. Miss Peach and Fido before — A few days later an old colored resident who had fished A GOOD LAWYER. GroxGE WasitiNGron, sx.—"* George, did you cut down that cherry-tree?” GEORGE WASHINGTON, JR. GrorGr. WASHINGTON, 3R. you see me?” . sir; I did.” Groxcr Wasnixctox, Fath tell a lie. sui First DAMNED SouL—"' Where are you from ?* SECOND DAMNED SOUL—"* Philadelphia.” FIRST DAMNED SOUL—" Well, what are you crying about?" DR CLIPPER D0 wut] WHERE INSUR- ANCE FAILS. M&. Youncuus- BAND seeks ‘the fire-insurance agent. “I want this policy to cover everything in the house.” Certainly, si “And especially one article, which I should like to have particularly men- tioned because I paid more for it than for any- thing else—and I have a feeling that itis the most likely to burn.” VA What is that?” “My coal.” i VEN th’ little bains hov shtrings t’ ‘em. 1 did it with my little hatchet MAKING OVER. H, I twist, and I scrimp, and [turn : ‘And I turn, and I twist, and I scrimp, Till the dew of anguish on my brow ‘Takes my hair all out of crimp ! If J cut my fronts out here ‘What a queer-shaped piece it leaves ; ‘And my soul is in terror whenever I think Of the size of those mandolin sleeves. There's a snagged place on the front, ‘And a stain like iron-rust ; Then look at that grease-spot—big as your hand— And it comes right across the'bust. But what swallows up all the joy That these minor worries leave Is the pressing question of where I'm to find ‘The goods for the mandolin sleeve. I patch, and I piece, and I plan Until 1 am ready to faint, And I'm benzined and chloroformed half to death, Taking out spots of paint ; Yet still, do you really think— After all, it’s this question that grieves— That the back-breadth and side-breadths and part of the front Will cut those mandolin sleeves? ‘GRACE MACCOWAN COOKE. 2. IN THE STYLE, —and after the foot-ball craze struck town. comicbooks.com