Judge — November 14, 1896 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A HEROIC RESOLVE, on a parity with gold and legal tender for all joys both public and private, forgetting the crime of 1873 "— “You naughty boy!" said sbe; “that compliment is in the best coin."* on the fender. AGAINST ALL THE TRADITIONS. “ What's that?” “ They were all so good when they were young. It is enough to turn one’s belief in Sunday-school literature.” THE TRUTH BY MISTAKE, HAWEINS and Simpkins were standing on the avenue, watching the brilliantly-gowned women in the carriages which filed past. “There's Miss Dashy, Hawkins!" exclaimed Simpkins, bowing pro- foundly. “ Fine girl—a corker!" Hawkins bowed, but scowled simultaneously. “ Aw—er—no." No! Don't think Miss Dashy handsome?" cried Simpkins in astonishment. “Why, the whole town says $0, “ Aw—er—yes. mean exactly that. “What then? Fine woman!" Handsome, of course. Don't She's grand style—well groomed. “ Aw—er—yes. Not what I mean, either.” “What in thunder do you mean, then? What do you object to in the girl? Best family—large fortune. Everything perfection.” “Aw—er—yes. Not what I mean, either"— writhing in agony to produce the proper thought. Simpkins was perplexed. “Do you mean you don't like her style of dress?" he asked at last, a gleam of light breaking over his mental fog. “That's it; that’s it!’ with great relief and wiping his brow, heated with its unaccustomed nods. “That's it! Too manish.” AY, Chawles,” said the magenta blonde with hair the color of a new brick, “* why is it that the novelists always speak of the heroine as having golden locks, or hair of a tawny gold, or shimmering tresses of gold, or golden strands?” “My darling,” said Chawles as he gently stroked the fierce coiffure, “let it Ue my pleasant duty to keep this beautiful head And she kissed him in such a reverberating manner that a china dog was jarred off the mantel and smashed THERE is one thing about the biographies of the presiden- tial candidates that makes me skeptical,” said Cynicus. make it payable “You mean you don’t like women who dress in imitation of men?” elucidated Simpki That's it!” * that’s it! 1. Professor Tankenstein got no ap- plause for lifting that keg of lager — 2. ——and not much for the arduous head-balancing feat in his teeth— 3. ——But when he seized the spigot A PHENOMENAL “HIT.” Don't like bad imitation of a man. —with a violent effort. 4 —and drained the lager — ith glad response at Simpkins’s appreciation of his You see, Simpkins" “1 know I do it so much better myself.” A MISTAKEN PROXIMITY. ** I've a mouse in my hand !* And the new woman clutched it and clutched it. By the gods she Aas sand! ‘While ago she would never have touched it. And it really seemed They were true of her grit, all those rumors, But she suddenly screamed, * [have grabbed him half-way up my bloomers !" MAM ST, JOWN-BRAMMALL, DOMESTICITY IN HEAVEN. ESSSIE sat listening to the mutterings of thunder that preceded a summer shower. “Listen, mamma!” she said, with tiny, cautioning hand uplifted; “zey'te tackin’ down carpits up in heaven." Then, when the storm burst and the rain came pouring down, “ Zare!" she remarked disgustedly, “somebody ‘s upset ze water-pitcher an’ it's comin’ froo, I guess zat’s gran’ pa. He allus was so calliss when he was here.” 5. ——be not only made the biggest hit fn the history of Frankfurt hall, but gained from the delighted audience all the bouquets. money and diamonds that were reserved for the operatic star,