Judge — September 26, 1896 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

198 END OF THE HONEYMOON. Mrs. NewLywen (cheerfully) —" Do you remember, Tom, how, before we were married, you used to tell me I was worth my weight in gold?" Me. Newtywen (abstracted/y)—"' Ves ; and do you remember how terribly skinny you used to be then?” THE WISE MAN AND THE FOOLISH. THE hungry man cometh home from his work and findeth preparations for the dinner just begun. The man reproacheth his wife; the wife bursteth into tears and upbraideth the cook, and the cook leaveth. How unlike unto this is the wise man that dineth up town on a blueberry-pie and a litre of beer. The wife visiteth her neighbor, the cook entertaineth her friends, the man’s stomach is filled, and peace reigneth. AN ORATORICAL NECESSITY. . HE RE, here!" said the long-whiskered orator as the pitcher of water was placed on the table; “take that away an’ git me a spittoon.” THE WIDOW O'TROUT. HIS very Sunday marnin’, afther church, Oi says me Cornaylia, says Oi, “ Phwat was thot young sbpalpane av a Tarince McGuire sayin’ t' yez an th’ way home whoilst Oi was a-talkin’ regardin’ family mat- thers wid Mary Ann MeNuly’s cousin Kate?” Immajitly she became th’ color av a pace ay flannel, an’ says she, shtuttherin’ loike, “He was a-talkin’ about 2” says Oi. me which did Oi think was th’ besht toime fer gittin’ married — Ayster or Chrismas,” says. she. An’ did yez tell him?” says Oi. "Oi did,” says she. “An’ phwat did yez tell him?” says Oi. Oi tould him naythur,” she. “It’s th’ foine speshimin av a well-brought- up young Amirican-Oirish lady yez are!” says Oi ther thin; “ puttin’ a re- proach an th’ mother an’ feyther thot bore yez. Thot’s phwat comes av atin’ wid a fark an’ roydin’ boycoycles. Let me be afther tellin’ yez, Miss O'Throut,”” says Oi, “thot whin yez arroive at a suitable age fer gittin’ mar- say RETRIBUTION, ‘TeNpERFOOT—"* What's the trouble up yondah ?* CycLonr, Sam—"* We've captured de originator of de word ‘nit,’ an’ de boys is debatin’ wedder ter burn ‘im at de stake or hang ‘im. ried, married yez'll be if Oi hov t' marry th’ man mesilf. ‘An’ yer poor feyther not yit dead foive years come Chrish- mas ‘ll be a twelvemonth! An’ it'll not be t' thot gossoon av a Bridgit Comisky’s Tarince ayther, whin his feyther Oi've seen many a toime walkin’ th’ cordtheroy road t’ Cork, so dhrunk he was not able t’ take his fate wid him, Not git married, indade! If those same hod bin moy sin- timints Oi'd loike t’ know if some other mother av yez ‘ud hov raised yez the daycint, reshpictable gurl thot yez are.” NEAR-SIGHTED, Jonrs—" George, I hear you were discharged from the marine band. What was the trouble?” GE (the cornet-player)—"* Vell, 1 told y blaying “Sweet and low und blayed it loud, und, by gosh ' it vas a horse-fly. how it vas. big note It's hatin’ O'd be t’ be married agin, though willin’ fer th’sake av Cornaylia. O’Throut was so opposed tit; an’ whin, layin’ an his dith-bed, he says t' me av a suddint, wan day, in a sepulchurrian vice, “ Bring me me new boots.” “Arrah,” says Oi, “ Moichael! shure, yez won't be afther thryin’ t’ walk out in this shtorm ;" well knowin’ he wasn’t able t’ so much as dhrink a shwallow av soup, but concalin’ me faylin’s an’ humorin’ him. me new boots, Anastasia McFagin!” says he; an’ thin, whin Oi'd brought thim, an’ him layin’ back in bed an’ shweatin’, not wid shtringth, but wid pure wakeniss— “Put thim boots in th’ shtove, Anastasia!" says he, an’ gave no pace till ‘twas done. “Thim boots ‘Il niver be wore be frind or inimy av moine, Misthress O'Throut.”” says he; “nor be sicond husband av yer own ayther.” An’ thim was his very lasht wurds. “Bring me MADELINE ORVIS, SE AVOIDING A DANGEROUS ISSUE, heer away from that hook, Scaly, is there any danger ? he crack fisherman from New York has given his pole over to the farmer's boy while he's taking a at drink, See comicbooks.com.