Judge — May 30, 1896 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

uae SO TRUE! THE colored sexton of St. Peter's church hgs a very styl- ish mulatto wife. Ask- ing for a Bigger salary, he gave as a reason, “It’s mighty hard to keep a sealskin wife on a muskrat salary.” A NECESSARY CHANGE, SELF-EVIDENT. oe HAT does the expression ‘dead - line” mean?” asked Dumsquizale. “The hangman's rope,” replied Dusen- Cohen was doing very well as a beginner until he got “gay” and — HIS INSTRUCTIONS, HE gardener was in a quan- dary. He had been told to mow the lawn, but the grass was quite high, and he knew not whether to use a scythe or the mower; so he accosted Davie. “Say, boy; how does yer want this grass cut?” It is not aften the boy is appealed to for instructions, and he was flattered.” He pondered a moment with forehead wrink- chile? — tried scorching— led and eyes closed; then he said, Well, say! s'pose you cut her pompadour this time. FRACTIONS. Teacher (to Harty)—" Read the fractions 1 am put- ting on the blackboard.” Harry (reading) —“ One-fourth, one-third, one-tooth.”” —making this hirsute connection, which laid him up three weeks— FROM JUDGE'S DICTIONARY. House—A place where men keep their wives. Church—A social resort cultivated by young men of holy exterior and matrimonial proclivi- ties. City—A congregation of individuals gather- ed together for the purpose of making life pleas- ant for reformers. Restaurant—An establishment whose serv- ants display a reprehensible contempt for the sanctity of the vernacular. Store—An establishment conducted for the delectation of ladies, who inspect the wares with a view of subsequent in- vestment. Theatre— An institution in which bad manners are taught by example. Also a place of amuse- ment for occupants of the front row. LOVE'S LABOR 'S LOST. Mr. Henry PECK (lo Aimself)—" Bright idea of mine, this purposely dropping china, It will eventually emancipate me from this infernal dish-wiping programme.” (Crash f) Mus, Henry PECK (secretly pleased)—" Oh, dear! | do hope he keeps breaking them, I want a new china set so much !" EDWARD CLAYTON SAVAGR. AMBITIOUS, ad yo" want ob a bicycle?” wants toe scorch—same ez white Mrs. Jonnson—" Kain't yo' wait till yo're daid, yo" hasty A SERIES OF CALAMITIES. GRIEVED by the man she loved, she suffered acutely. Every fibre of her being responded to her mental anguish. Her head fell upon her breast, her jaw dropped, she lost her tongue, her eyes lay on the carpet, her heart was in her throat, and her BW face was turned to stone. At this point they sent for the doctor. When he arrived he found her all broken up. SAME OLD FOOL. THE. summer girl who broke our heart last season, And made us sadly think what might have been, Knows very well that love is without reason, And smiles to think she'll have us back again. —and now this is the way he rides.