Judge — May 16, 1896 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

UNCLE GABE’S SAGE SAWS. AR'S a good many mighty poor Christians sipose dat dey will git toe heaben as a tramp gits toe Chicago—in empty freight kyars, Sum preachers kin mes- merize deir audience wid a shiny doctrine so dey kin slip de idea ob punishfhent up deir sleebe. Mah frien’s, ef yo" fink dat yo" kin sing yo'rself intoe glory yo" bettah jine an opera- company an’ git specia! rates on de railroad, Sum folks is boun’ toe set out a fashionable lunch ef dey has toe maik deir sang- wiches outer salt codfish on a soda-crackah. Secon’-han’ pants doan’ bag in de same place dey use toe, an’ no- body else's faith won't git me a harp. Sum folks’ goodness is like a shad—yo" has toe pick out a good many bones befo’ yo’ git a moufful. St. Patrick dun banish de snakes fo’ de Irish, but he dun lef’ a good many in udder folks’ whisky. De Almighty kin take an aberage ob de whole human race, but we has toe take a man as we fin’ him, THE ORGAN-GRINDER. NCE more his form we can observe, He's frisky as a colt ; And, dago-like, he has the nerve To play us old ** Ben Bolt.” THE HABIT AT LONELY- WOOD. Mrs. Isolate (at the breakfast- table) —" Ferdinand, the lawn needs mowing badly.” Mr, Isolate—" Well, if Sarah will go over to the Citilys’ and succeed in borrowing our lawn-mower back again T'll see what I can do about it.” ENGINEER (fo na out ahead?” Native—'* No, boss; no washout, t'ank de Lawd! I on'y wanted toe borrer a live coal outen yo'r engine toe light mah pipe wiv.” THREE, SVR aM < Pas SOUTHERN EQUANIMITY. Lirti Rosenvaun—"' Very veli, leedle poy. I vas shtanding on a cent. Vould you mindt calling dot boleeceman ofer here und ledding him holt you py der gollar vile you pig ub dot cent und pud id in mein bocket? If you vill do dot for me you vill Zo to heafen ven you die, leedle po; GROWLERS, Ae Aah q sho has flagged the Alabama express)—"* What are you waving your shirt for? Is there a wash- HEREDITY, HER. sreat-great-grandam, worthy dame, ‘Through the long summer days would sit While swift she sped her spinning-wheel, Bat what she loved to do was knit. ‘The modern maiden, bloomer clad, On spinning wheel makes quite a hit ; And yet—heredity is strong— What she loves best to do is—nit, WRK A VICTIM OF TOBACCO. Twynn— Poor Ricketts’s death resulted from his fondness for to- bacco,”" Triplett—"\ heard that he was killed by an explosion.” Trwynn —" Well, he opened a keg of powder with a lighted cigar in his mouth,” PROVERBS FOR POLI- TICIANS. H® LAUGHS best who buys the voter last. Don’t count your floaters hefore they have voted. It is a wise candidate who knows his own friends. You can’t always catch old voters with chaff. Evil to him who votes the wrong ticket. Delegates of a feather flock together. Happy is the man who wants no office. There's many a slip betwixt the caucus and the convention. Many think that they are called, but few are chosen. TOMMY ON THE GOOSE. HE goosey is a snowy boat ‘That sails before the breezes, And isn't bound for any port, But just for where she pleases. HE happy man is he who makes more money than his wife can spend.