Judge, 1896-04-18 · page 5 of 16
Judge — April 18, 1896 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple satirical sketches typical of late-19th/early-20th century American humor: **"The Eternal Fitness"** mocks Methodist revival meetings—a convert milkman testifies, then the congregation ironically launches into "Shall We Gather at the River?" (implying the milkman will soon be drowning, given his profession). **"The Queen's Own"** appears to satirize Alfred Austin (likely the Poet Laureate) as inferior to his predecessor Tennyson, using horticultural wordplay ("heal-your-trope"). **"Resigned to Her Fate"** depicts a young woman's resignation that she cannot marry—princes live abroad and American gentlemen don't meet her standards, so she asks her mother to reject any suitors. **"Two Easter Memories"** contrasts a sentimental romantic memory with a woman's complaint that spring weather ruined her Easter hat—trivializing genuine emotion. **"Domestic Economy"** shows a wife casually dismissing her husband's budget concerns, assuring him they can still spend lavishly despite limited income. The kangaroo cartoons appear to offer animal observations unrelated to current events.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
259 THE ETERNAL FITNESS. URING the progress of a re- vival in a Methodist church up-country not long ago the village milkman was a convert. He related his experience at one of the meet- ings, and as soon as he had taken his seat an enthusiast started up the hymn, “Shall we gather at the river?” THE QUEEN’S OWN. H, Alfred Austin, dare you hope With Alfred Tennyson to cope? You're not within the laurel’s scope— The flower for you's the heal-your- trope. RESIGNED TO HER FATE, Ethel (in perplexity) —" Mam- ma, when gentlemen want to marry ladies do they come and ask their mammas’ permission ?” Mamma—" Yes, Ethel; [think TOUGH. they generally do.” “Why are you here, my good fellow?" Ethel — Well, mamma, if 1 Fer bein’ a good feller, mum, | Wien I wuz here before me time wuzn't really up till June; but dey should get married it would have fired me out in January on account uv me good behavior, an’ I hed ter steal an overcoat ter keep warm.” soallae to be to a prince with a long feath- er in his cap, of course, and they don’t live in America; so you see TWO EASTER MEMORIES. I can’t get married at all. And if any one should come to you and #6) 0YOU remember that Faster day ask for me won't you please just give them my regrets?” Sweetheart, in the long ago? Brown birds were crossing from spray to spray With musical notes and low. Sweet talk and laughter—the merry elves Had pleasant secrets among themselves ! “We two walked down the country road Fringed with spring's budding green— Over the hill the church-spire showed And a bright brook ran between ‘The sunny pastures—and clear, oh, clear The church-bells rang. You remember, dear? “That was the day I dared to tell My love, and—your heart was won.” “Oh, yes, indeed ; I remember well— CONDEMNED MURDERER (in Ais pris. Such # terrible worm came’on on-cell, writing to his mother)—"* Dear And ruined my lovely Easter hat. mother—TI like this part of the country You may be sure I remember ¢hat.”* pretty well, and will probably hang around MADELINK S. BRIDGES. here some time,” DOMESTIC ECON- OMY. SeTHIS year, my dear, you must curtail your expenses. I do not see more than eight thou- sand dollars coming in the next twelve months.” “Ob, don’t worry, you considerate darling! 1 will skimp on dress and * we'll still have three thou- sand dollars to live on.” A WELCOME CRASH, Wife (in the middle of the night)—" What was that awful noise, John?” John —"1 dunno. Sounded to me like the breaking up of a hard winter.” 1. HE IS NO CAMEL, KANGARoo—"' These people may ride a free horse to death, “TRUE love never quite 2. HE IS NO CAMEL, but a hired kangaroo— forgets. —nit !"