Judge — January 25, 1896 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TOUGH FUNERAL FACILITIES. OBODY ever attempted to dispute that Hair-trigger Jim was pre-eminently the boss of Howling Success, the year-old gold-camp. What's the use of arguing, anyway? His sobriquet had been carefully earned by long and assiduous practice with a pair of gleaming frontier revolvers that had never known the line, “ Now I lay me down to sleep.” In the hubbub, tussle ard shove of the mining-camp no one stopped to observe the absence of the customary undertaker until one pack-trained in on a fine June morning. This profes- sional processionator put out a shingle on which appeared WILLIAM SKULLS. all Sorts of UnDertaking dun up Neate. and death assumed a new aspect. But now that the camp was beatified by his presence there seemed absolutely no use for him. COULDN'T KEEP THEM ALL. Me—'* Did you hear about Professor Masher, the lecturer, having to cancel his engagements? Mercy, no! Has he been drinking?" * No; he married one of the engagements and had to cancel the rest. He spent the summer at Asbury, you know.” could fur ye, an’ tain’t no fault uv mine thet onobligin’ puddin’ wouldn't die. Howsumever, ther's bin sum stealin’ goin’ on uy late an’ mebbe we'll git a man fur breakfast yit.” That night a thief was caught operating, and every self-cocking expert in town started in hot pursuit. Jim's gun finally fetched the culprit—blew him out at one puff. “ Hooray! a deader at last!” gurgled the gunner. ‘They turned the “‘deader” over in the moonlight. It was William Skulls. BOBBY’S SIGNATURE. QUE Bobby 's taken grammar up, To-night, in robes of spotless white, ‘And we've to mind our p's and q's; Beside his trundle-bed he knelt, For most our time these days is spent And, looking ‘cross his neck-frill’s snow, In unsolicited reviews. This poser as to grammar dealt : “Say, when I sign this prayer to-night, As Lam one, not five or ten, Why don't I sign it from a man, Instead of wrongfully a men?" MAR ST. JOHN-DRAMHALL. THE DAY BEFORE THE WAKE.: Pat—' Now, min, phin yez see th’ tree shtartin’ t' fall yank me up out av har-rm’s way Howling Success had never be- ———==s} pe== fore been so sanitary. ——— Hair-trigger Jim felt very DEW DROP friendly toward the “stiff-yank- [NN er,” and would have been de- lighted to provide business for him. However, no one offended James; hence there were no calls for coffins. One morning Jim got out of his bunk on the wrong side. Waxing meditative, he murmur- ed, “No stiff yit fur William.” Before noon a row had been scraped up. ‘There was a sharp crack in one of the least-salva- tioned saloons of the large flock, aad Jim emerged appearing quite convalescent. But the man who was shot lingered bloodily on,and a week proved that he was going to get well. Every true citizen felt a whisky-glass commiseration for the undertaker; Jim more than any. When he saw his friend he said, “William, me an’ th’ boys pee a ees ib Sane sorry we cant russe 8 JAcKsoN—"* Look up at that sign. Ambiguous, isn’t it? BUNSON (offering aid)—" Hope you are not bruised Fellow that got it up must have had a great head, and"—— up much. You always take everything so literally.” dog-dern tuff. I did th’ best 1 (Falls in.)