Judge — January 18, 1896 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Mudge SOME PROBLEMS IN MODERN ARITHMETIC. 1. With what velocity will 1 young man and 1 young woman, sitting on a sofa with o space between them, widen the space upon hearing 1 father approach? 2, Jones went shooting and brought home § squirrels. What caused the expansion to the size of a bullet-hole of the wound in each squirrel, when Jones had taken a shot-gun ? 3. If May pulls her father's leg $5.00 worth every Saturday night, how many weeks will elapse before he walks at an angle of 45°? 4 If 1 woman attends 1 theatre at every matinée, how long will it take her husband to learn how to sew a button on his trousers? 5, In what proportion is the strain upon 1 man's vocabulary when he loses a collar-button down the back of his sbirt, to the jar on 1 old maid's nervous system of her receiving a proposal? 6. Aman went into a poker game with $10. How much did he lose ? 7. An actor leaving the theatre scraped his head on either side while passing through the stage-door. What caused the contraction of the door, considering the applause the actor had received a few moments previously ? cieeies WHY CHOLLY SWOONED. CHoLLy—"' Did your sister receive a large box of bon-bons yesterday marked ‘ From Santa Claus’?" Bowsy—** Yep; an’ she blushed terribul an’ wouldn't give me one of ‘em. Coury (highly delighted)—"* Ha-ha! Did she say anything else?” Bosny—" Vep; she laffed an’ said that after they were married she guessed Tom wouldn't be so generous.” AN EASY REMEDY. *6QC)H. DEAR!” sighed Mrs. Cumso as she tossed about in bed, “I'm suffering dreadfully from insomnia.” “Go to sleep and you'll be all right,” growled Mr. Cumso as he rolled over and began to snore again, A PRACTICAL SUGGESTION. Putterer—"\'ve spent the best years of my life in an endeavor MISINTERPRETED. to succeed in art; I'ma failure and without resources. What am I Farmer WAYDACK (reading the warning)—"'It’s th’ fust night I ever slep’ to do?” with a light a-blazin’ all night, an’ darned ef ‘twun’t be th’ last, even ef I hev tew is . F tiie, pay a quarter extry fer adark room.” (Hides his head under the pillow and oes Cutterer—" Do? Why, write a book and entitle it ‘ How to Suc- to sleep.) ceed in Art." THE PRIEST’S REPLY. oe FATHER.” said the young man as he knelt before the venerable confessor, “thou knowest I have sinned. Through human weakness and ill-curbed passions have I sinned. I come todo penance and gain pardon.” “My son,” replied the old man, “there is no pardon to be gained or given in a day for the misdeeds of a year. Thou art ‘on the eve of thy marriage toa virtuous soul. Confess to her and thou wilt have no need of churchly penance or extraneous punishment.” INFORMATION, Ss DAVIE” asked Edith, “what makes tears?” “Hub!” snorted Davie, “don't you know that? Tears come when a feller’s sorryer gets tipped over.” THE DATE ASKED FOR, 66] HEAR that Mrs.” Lake. ** Front is to be married again,” said one Chicago lady to another. “Indeed?” was the reply. e 6 rows “ When is the event to be pulled pa St a et L ** Whad's dat gal wearin’ a chicken on her haid fo" off? “Why, dat's de stuff, niggah, Hit’s a catch bonnet