Judge — January 11, 1896 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

24 JUDGMENTS FROM MR. MCGARVEY. ITH has no terrors to a carpse. Some min wud kick if they was playin’ fut-ball. Min often gits shtone dafe in- toirely listenin’ to sounds they niver hear. Oi love ould Oireland, but if Oj was to be born agin Oi'd choose New Yark. The Oirish nose become so from long an’ conshtant contact wid the groindshtone. Me son Mickey says his tacher tould him McGarvey were a proper noun, It’s moighty lucky fer thot felly thot he didn’t call ut unproper. AN EQUAL DIVISION. “S0 THE Y were divorced, eh?” for incompatibility of tempe: “ How did it come about ?” “Well, you see he had the in- compatibility and she had the tem- per.” TOO MUCH TRU dat I done turn ober er new leaf?" PENELOPE UP-TO-DATE, [8 ANCIENT days Penelope, With all a wife's devotion, Spun ‘mid her maids quite faithfaly, While her spouse sailed the ocean, Nor did her loyal nature dream Her lord was at the mercy Of those strange sparks supposed to gleam Within the orbs of Circe. But now Penelope, grown wise, St Hut spins abroad, soon to surprise Ulysses in his sinning. And when she finds him on the beach She'll show him, without mercy, not at home for spinning, ow the new woman can o'erreach The ants of man and Circe. hull caboodle of aour T. Erikam—"* Now how de dickens did dat fowl! know MUST HAVE THE NOISE. Lanpiorp (of the Moodus manor)—"* Louder, thar, Lycurgus.”” Lycuraus (betzween toots}—"" Is thet th’ feller thet works nights an’ rooms Broadway, pop, thet yer gittin’ ter sleep?” Ya-as ; an’ darned ef he ain't harder ter git ter sleep than (Resumes the pandemonium.) LanpLorp—"* Ya. ther York guests.” JUST LIKE A WOMAN. s6(TOME !" he cried,“ There's not a moment to lose,” The dam had given way and the flood was carrying everything before it. Joining the panic-stricken wretches who had been rendered homeless with- out a word of warning, they made a wild rush for the bridge. But their trouble had just begun. As they neared the bridge the struct- ure tottered and then seemed to crum- ble away as it disappeared in the rag- ing torrent with the report of a thou- sand guns. All seem- ed to be lost. He look- ed into the white face of the girl at his side, With arms upheld she made a mute appeal to him to save her, He remembered that high up in the hills there was a little flimsy bridge that was seldom used. Dry Voice. (inside the car)—* Perhaps it had survived the general havoc. At any rate it was their only chance, and he half carried and half dragged the limp body of the girl up the hillside. “ Thank God !" he cried at last. “Tt still stands.” While he was regaining his strength for the final effort the girl began to revive. But the horrors of the last hour had been too much for her and she had lost her nerve. He besought her in every way to be brave, but nothing could induce her to put her foot on the swaying bridge. Taking her firmly in his arms he felt his way inch by inch. When they were half way across she chanced to look down. The mad torrent was rushing with ter- rific speed nearly a hundred feet below. As the dashing spray drenched her to the skin she saw the sharp-pointed rocks clearly out- lined above the foam of the churn- ed waters, and a feeling of horror convulsed her frame. “ George,” she said as she clasp- ed him tighter around the neck, “ if you let me fall I'll never speak to you again.” JANURS JAY O'CONNELL, HISTRIONIC NOTE, ss LJIST!” said the tragedian, He was. Say, Dusty, what place are we passin’ 2" Dusty Wittie (sith Ais head out of the car-door)—"* 1 don't see anything ; only a man fishi VOICE (inside the car)— Must be Cleveland,” NEW - YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS. Ethel resolves—to accept him Cholly resolves—to propose at once. if he ‘The old man resolves—to do his duty,