Judge — December 14, 1895 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FACT AND FICTION. Our esteemed fellow-citizen, Mr, Hardup Kneedey, last evening led to the altar Miss Amelia, the eldest daughter of the Hon. Mr. Oldboy, one of our earliest settlers. — From a daily paper. A DAY IN RED GULCH, THERE is less money in circulation now than in the dullest time during the last eight years, There is absolutely no money in sight. Two saloons closed their doors this week. The four Chinese in town are pelting each other with Hong-Kong swear- words. Lee Chung got in a good one on Ah Wong's nose the other day with a flateiron, Wong won't be able to smell for a month. There were so many fights in town yesterday that it almost seemed like election-day. There is a dog in this town that neither howls nor barks, He merely wobbles his under jaw and spits wind. Frank Clark went to his barn last night to milk in the dark, got into the wrong stall, and undertook to milk a mule, He arrived {rom above about ten minutes later and expects the bucket down in a few days. The barn will need a new roof. The Olive-branch benevolent association held its monthly meeting at Murphy's saloon last night. Only three members were killed, although sev- eral were badly knifed. It is thought that President Pete Riley will not live, as his skull was smashed by a billiard-cue, on account of a decision on a point of order, The billiard-cue was turned over to the sheriff, NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL. ATSY GROGAN was having his wounds dressed. He had lost the end from each of the fingers of his right hand by accidental contact with a buzz-saw. He looked wan and weary, and it was a struggle to keep off the faintness, When the operation was finished the doctor asked him how he felt. “Oi'm all roight, Oi gi d Patsy in a small voice, while a weak little smile ran over his features, “Oi tink it will be a good ting, fer Oi'll niver hov t’ clane me finger-nails agin.” DONE BROWN, * Lmust have some money to-day, so that my wife and I can go to the Atlanta exposition. Here, John; take this bill and go over and dan Brown, Tell him that account has been running long enough,” * Well, did you dun him ?” “*No, sir; he done me.” THE SEASONS. With apologies to James Thomson.) SOME jokes are out of season. Men spring them out of joii While some are minus reason And fall short of the point. ‘The man to-day who's funny, Whose wit ‘s not stale or tame, Me ought fo make much money, And iin fo-morrow’s fame. eee ete Now ’t would be rankest treason To say these lines are bare ; They ‘re certainly in season, For every season 's there ; So, if they ‘re not called plea T'll yield to blank despair. [ADDISON PLETCHEK ANDERWS, OLD ENOUGH. Winebiddle—" Boston is two hundred and sixty-five years old.” Gildersleeve—* No wonder she wears spectacles,” ROUTE; OR, BETTER TO REIGN TITAN SERVE. Gen Frost (shivering)—"* Say, pard, I've a notion ter steal a hoss ‘AGG an’ git sent ter jail fer de winter, outer de cold. Br-r-r-r!’ FLip FOTnERincay (reitheringly) —" Ves, an’ be made ter work, Ugh! n't got sand enuff ter elope wid a guv'ner's dorter. or commit sum unparrerleld atrossity dat'll land me in solertary idle confinement a hero an’ de bennyfishiary uv bokays an’ female lion- izin’, why, yer betcher life I'll seek de seclusion uv de hav-loft an’ woo de hu- midity uv de humble hoss-blanket widout cone plea,” HOPELESS, LET us be patient and pray— ime heals every wound,” they say; Lut the wrinkles he leaves behind, Worse than wounds to the feminine mind, Me never will take away, WHAT SHE WAS DOING. Mistress (calling up stairs)— “ What on earth are you doing to that child, Sarah, to make it scream so?” hing, ma'am. I'm spanking it to make it stop.” ACCORDING to English sporting tactics, a bied in the bush is worth two in the open, comicbooks.com