Judge — October 12, 1895 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Sage THE CHICAGO OYSTER. THE proud city of Chicago, jeal- ous of New York, was in the throes of agony because of the freshness of the waters of Lake Michigan, the absence of ocean steamships and the obstinacy of the oyster in refusing to breed in the deposit-beds of the Chicago river. About this time Colonel Stuart Cinch of Maine happened to arrive in Chicago, He had a grip full of varied inventions, such as patents for extracting the salt from codfish, condensing smoke from cured eels, propagating lobster A la Newburg in conservatories, and for making edible the drops of solder in canned salmon. ; Colonel Cinch was welcomed in Chicago by the various commer- cial bodies and the society for the SUR eRe prevention of men from wearing bloomers. He assured his eager hearers that Sedat —P WEEK vo hecses Cay it would be a small matter to convert the lake of Michigan into a body of salt Foor-batt CAPraIN—** Totally disabled. Won't be able to play water—a mere matter of the revolution of a single wheel in his head. He sug- again this season.” gested a preliminary fee of five thousand lollars, which was raised by one pas- Reroxter—"* Break a limb?" f th Foor-BALt. CaPTAIN—"* Worse than that. Ordered a shave, went sage of the hat. to sleep in the barber's chair, and the villain gave him a hair-cut.” “CROWING OVER NOTHIN “Let up! Out with it! Give us a rest!" shouted the now thoroughly impatient audience. “Twas getting to that point,” roared the little man angrily. “Is the oratory of a free-born Ameri- can citizen to be hushed in the critical moment of the city’s glorious history?” “Never! came back from the bald heads on the front row. “Well then, fellow-citizens, I will tell you of the noble invention. Colonel Stuart Cinch begged me to say, with his compliments, that the way to make fresh water salt is to set it a good example.” we, BALLOU. A FISHERMAN’S QUERY. WEY should we not take drink for ** bait” When tempting fishes to their fate ?. Do not the dear girls with their wiles Persist in catching us with “* smiles"? A FORTUNATE MAN. +s LJOW did Grassgrow do with his book on suc- [WHEN FREEOON ON HER RACING BIKE ay ‘UNFURLED HER BLOOMERS TO THE AIR, cess in farming?” SHE TORE ALONG THE DUSTY PIKE] “ Splendidly. The book paid for all he lost on the farm.” Alter securing the bank-notes in his very vest pocket Colonel Cinch allowed his rapturous admirers to drive him in state about the city and show him the limits through the great telescope of the Dearborn observatory. The colonel was some time revolving the mysterious wheel in his inner brain and another five thousand was subscribed to prevent him slipping a cog. At last he announced that his brilliant scheme was ready for exploitation and the inhabitants were convened in and about the auditorium to listen to the scintil- lations of genius. The house was packed and the paddle- wheels of the auditorium set in revolution in honor of the occasion. At last the breathless moment arrived and the curtain rose before the sea of expectant expressions. A small man with a big voice appeared on the rostrum. “I have to an- nounce,” he roared, “that Colonel Stuart Cinch has gone post haste to Washington to file a patent on his great inven- tion in order to protect the good people of Chicago from their envious rivals, Detroit, Duluth, Sandusky and Buffalo. As Sip soon as his invention is put in practice blue points will gather f) = around the cribs and little-neck clams will swarm about the wharfs, Gigantic ocean steamers will form a panorama in . | oe ae the foreground, and shell-fish will gladden the hearts of the TROUBLE IN THE DIME: MUSEUM: . ° es ri What's all this infernal noise about?" fishermen and delight the small boy with his net. Factotum—"* Please, sir, th’ two-headed girl is er-quarrelin’ wid herself.” comicbooks.com