Judge — February 9, 1895 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

83 REVEREND MOAKLEY MCKOON ON ECLIPSES. ‘ ‘MA POOR wums ob de dust, has yo’ noticed in de almineck dat dere will be twice as many eclipses in 1895 as dere wuz in 1894? Dat gibs conspicuosity to de year ’95. Ef de sun shines right along nobody doan’ seem ter notice it, but an eclipse attrac’s de attention ob de hull popperlation. Ma poor unsophisticated scorpions,dat's de way it am wid de chu’ch-membah. A han‘ful ob fedders at de back doah ‘ob a deacon looks bigger dan a hull fedder-bed at de back doah ob a saloon; an‘a leetle, teenty-taunty black bottle in de pocket ob a deep-water Baptis’ looks bigger dan a fo'-gallon jimmyjohn un- dah de arm ob de unreconciled. De worl’ am jest a-crackin’ open fer eclipses an’ doan’ gib a cent faw stiddy sunshine. Too many wish-bones hangin’ ober de clock-case ain’ no ornament. Stiddy wuk is what counts. Ma las’ quarter's salary is due an’ ‘we will now collec’ de collecshun.” HE'D NEED IT IN THE NEXT. He—"'I think I'll take out a life-insurance policy.” $1 * What do you want to do that for?” I don’t think I'm very long for this world.” Sue—"'Is that so? Then you'd better take out some fire insurance.” A SURE SIGN. Junius (the colored janitor) — “ Dat dah Miss Wicks, de ole maid dat libs on de top flo’, mus’ be pow- ahful wealfhy.” Tilly —" Go way, dah! What yo’ s'pose she lib on de top flo’ foh, ef she got ‘nuff money fo’ ter lib down sta’hs >" Junius —" Well, she habs ebryt‘ing dat’s good t’ eat, anyhow. Why, I nebbah goes up dah ter do nuffin’ fo’ huh ‘t she doan’ gib me rice-puddin’ wid raisins in it, Not Sundays, needah; but week-days! week-days, I tells yor!" STRAWS SHOW. Johnny (entertaining his sister's caller)—“I like you better than I do Mr. Smithkins.” Brownkins (flattered) —"Thank you, Johnny; you are a bright boy.” Johnny —“Yes, Mr. Smithkins is so. stingy. Though I suppose I shouldn't be hard on him for that, since Sister Syl- via tells him he must econ- Sue —"' Have you ever been kissed by a girl before?” He (b/ushing}—"* What a question ! Of course I haven't.” A MUSICAL NOTICE. HAD HIS CHOICE, At A Methodist revival meet- ing one of the exhorters in sepulchral tones, bending over a young man who was seated near us, said, “Young man, don't you want a new heart ?” “ Naw!” said the young man, “I don't know as I do; but I wouldn't mind a new liver.” NOT SO BAD AS THAT. Police-captain (severely) — “You say that as you were go- ing home from your club, an hour or so ago, you were held up and robbed >” General Booze (indignantly) —" Nossing of th’ (hic) kin'! I say I was (hic) stopped an’ (hic) robbed. I (hic) want you to understan’ I could stan’ up (hic) without (hic) assistance.” rn TEACHER — PATSY- ves ‘Tracer —'* Why ?* Patsy—"* Cause yer can't.” HE WAS RIGHT, Now, Patsy, would it be proper to say ‘ You can’t learn me nothing’?” The singer held her audience. ONE WAY. WOULD sou keep a woman's love When you eam it, Here's a way Vil tell you of — Don't return it! A GENTLE HINT. 2 THE emancipated young wo- man was calling upon her gentleman love, and she heeded but little the rapid flight of the hours. The young man’s vigi- lant mamma noted the time in her room up-stairs, and presently she called down, “ George, dear!" “Yes, mamma.” “Has that young woman gone yet?” “No, mamma,” replied George dutifully. “Tell her I do not allow your lady callers.to remain after eleven o'clock. You must not lose your beauty sleep.”