Judge — September 22, 1894 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

I heard a pair of stories the other day of a very absent-minded gentleman in one of our large cities. One day as he went out from his otfice he put a notice on his door stating he had gone out and would return at four-fifteen p.m Having completed his business he re- turned and read the notice on his door. He consulted his time-piece and saw it was just four o'clock. “* Well,” said be, turning away, I'l go and walk for fifteen minutes until he comes back.” Another time in his absent-mind- ed fashion he was trying on a pair of new trou- sers and put his left leg in the right trouser. Ile happened to look down just then and ex- claimed in surprise, ‘* Why, that wretched tai- lor has given me three legs !"— Buffalo En- quirer. Angostura Bitters makes health and health makes bright, rosy cheeks and happiness. Dr. |. G. B. Siegert & Sons, sole manufacturers. Ask your druggist. “ Phwat,” asked Mr. Hooghlighan, ‘tis the matty wid yer head?” ** Mickey Dolan knock- ed me down wid a half brick,” responded his son, ‘Vez hov disgraced th’ family. It is the foorst toime thot a Hooghlighan was iver knocked down wid less than a whole wan."— Indianapolis Journal. Cook's Imperial. award, excellent champagn cence, agreeable bouquet, di World’s Fair ‘highest good efferves- jous flavor.” “Uncle Ephraim,” said the police-justice, the complainant charges you with having knocked him down with a whitewash-brush and emptied a bucket of the wash all over him.” “* Yes, sah,” answered Uncle Ephraim ; “T done it, jedge. He asked me ef ‘possum war fit eat." —Chicago Tribune, AMAZING EFFECTS OF A MERE REMARK, Jupce, the funniest caricaturist of all the funny gold-bug pay in all this unhappy land, has this to say of our stalwart governor, "* He is alike the enemy of heaven and the United States." By some this is thought to be the very funniest saying of this funny gold-bug paper. After reading it the president of the bank of England sat down and wired Grover that John Sherman’s portrait hanging in his re- ception-room fairly roared with laughter at the witticism, and that Gladstone went out in the front yard and rolled over and over for more than an hour. ‘The queen was so overcome with hilarity that she forgot to pull off her hose on retiring. Wales went on a ‘‘tear™ and parliament called another monetary conference to provide for a more enlarged use of silver.— Pitkin (Colorado) Miner. SS \2oz trial package sent post-paid for 25 cents, — MARBURG — BROS,— THE AMERICAN TOBACCO CO, Successor. BALTUMORE. Md DENVER MORTGAGES, Fomnising chy with 6 telbatary territory yet 16 Uevelop.® G om expansions Safelpanade far Western | tiie best investment. Low valuations percent. to10per cent. Onl hel | ‘And there isn't a hive to be seen, I declare! | at. Home THE LAND OF SHILLY-SHALLY. | ‘The ant went out for a morning walk ‘And met his neighbor, the bee. ‘They enjoyed an hour of ‘sociable talk, When the ant spoke up; said he— In excited tone said he— ** Let us cease for a while from this daily toil And rest over there in the valley, A beautiful spot. I believe it is calied ‘The land of Shilly-Shally— Delightful Shilly-Shally.” Agreed!" said the bee. So they journeyed away To the land where the *' flapdoodle™ thrives, And there they were met by the sluggard and drone With their sons and daughters and wives— ‘Their happy-go-lucky wives. Willy-Nilly the king was asleep on his throne, ‘And so was the queen, Dilly-Dally. * Put off till to-morrow "was the motto of all In this land of Shilly-Shally— Misguided Shilly-Shally, There were plenty of indolent boys and girls, Who thought of nothing but pla ‘They paid no heed to study and books ; “Twas ever a bright holiday— A rollicking holiday. “This may suit idle folks like the drone,” said the ant, “But it never would do for me.” Let us go," cried the horrified bee— ‘The truly horrified bee. So they gladly returned to their own busy world, ‘And each went his separate way. id the bee, “I'll drop in at this clover-fiel Said the ant, "I bid you good-day 1 bid you a very good-day. —Ella Starr in New York Recorder. Sai As a specific against dyspepsia and as an appetizer, also for mixing in drinks, nothing is superior to BOKER’S BITTERS, renowned since 1828, Customer—"* Eight dollars? “Nonsense! I'll give you two dollars for the suit” Afr. Jsaac- stin—* Two dollars! So hellup me cracious ! 1 gouldn't puy der button-holes fur dot."— Somerville Journal, THE CELEBRATED SOWMER Pianos aro tho Best. Warerooms: 149-155 E. 14th St, New York. Cavrion—The buying public will please not con” found the ‘Sonex: Prato’ with ‘ove of similarly sounding name of cheap grade. Our name spells— DEAFNESS nd HEAD NOISES rel i and} SES relieved busing ILSON'S COMM . FAR DRUMS, New scientific invention, entirely dtt- ferent In construction frota all other de- vices, Assist the deaf when all other de- Vices fail, and where Inedical skill bas Hiven no rellet. Safe, comfortable, 1n- Niatble, have no wire’ or string attach. Linco ment, ' Write for pampalet. peo mt an Me WILSOM EAR ORUM CO., Louievitle, Ky: | and a handsome It was on the piazza of the Marble-street cot- tage. He was sitting with his arm around her and had thus been employed for some time. Both were musing. By and by he whisy softly, “I would give a good deal to know what you are thinking of, darling.” ‘* Would you?” she answered. ** Well, I was thinking how much you remind me of the new water-main.”” “The new water-main?” he responded inquir- ingly. ** Yes," she murmured ; ** on account of the extra pressure’ to-night.” And over the brow of Crescent hill a bright star flashed across the heavens and the chimes of midnight rang out on the clear air.—Spring field (Mass.) Graphic, ‘The Actor finds the thing that serves To quickest quiet pulsing nerves is Bromo-Seltzer. * Dese vas funny beoples in Austin, ain'd it?" An’ how was thot?” ‘* Vell, you know I vas teef py von ear, und I go me to dot Hyde-park opera und ‘asked Mr. Long uf I gould nicht got in fur half brice pecause I gould hear only half vot vos sait, und he re- vused und tolt me dot I must bay touble der admission brice pecause it vould dake me dwice as long to hear der opera.”—Austin (Texas) Rolling Stone, Mr, Smaltwort—"" | see that a female bank- robber has been operating out west and has $0 far escaped capttire.” Ars. Smalitwort—"' How do they know it is a woman if the robber has not been captured?” Mr. Smallwort—" The combination locks have all been picked with a —Chicago Record This Silk Watch Fob. For the sake of making you acquainted with the Harris Garter for Men, and other of the famous Sule ‘rate ware we will send you a book on the subject for 10 cents, Silk & Watch Fob with a guaran- teed Gold Plated buckle. Every comfort-loving man should know about these me goods. 7 Ne Wire BuckleSuspender Co., (u.0.Det)— Willlamapert, Pa, BMOKING, Use tho HARMLESS SMOKER CURE M alze of Holder. RYERSON D. CATES, D, 1205, 108, La Sallost,Chicago. Don’t Kill Yourself ‘A female correspondent complains that her husband eats onions and snores. Now a man who would snore with an onion-flavored breath should go somewhere and start a desert.— Texas Siftings, “The man in the next room kept me awake it all night snorin won't happen agaii Landlady—"* Well, I've put a woman wil parrot, a piano and a baby on the other side.— Inter-Ocean, sLow’s SouriinG SyRur for Chil- soothes the child, softens the gums, allays ail pain, cures wind colic and diar- thea. 25 cents a bottle. “In your consultation, doctor, witl Bolus on Bibb’s cases did you agree?” on one point.” ** Ah, what was that ?” fees."—New York Sun Dr. Only Our Little Dot—** 1 wish my doll didn’t have such red cheeks and such a round face.” Mamma—" She is very pretty.” Little Dot— “Yes, but when I play she is awful sick an’ mos’ dyin’ she always looks so fat an’ healthy that I can’t feel worried over her a bit."—Pitts- burg Bulletin. © Fincen 0965 17 It will wind up tho lino a hundred times a8 fast as any other reel In the world. It will wind up the line slowly. ‘No fish, can ever getelackline with fe. It will savo more fish than any. other reel. Manipuiated en. irely by the hand (at holds therod Sexp FoR Cat ALOOcrE. Yawwan & ERBE, Bochester, N.Y A Ramplo Envelope, of either WHITE, FLESH or BRUNETTE OZZONI'S OWDER. ‘You have seen it advertised for many Years, but have you ever tried stt—It ot,—you do not know what an Ideal ‘Complexion Powder is. POZZONI’S besides Dotng, an acknowledged beautifier, Basimany retreating uscs, 1eprovents coat? {oug. sun: bara, wiad-tan-teasen poreplration, ie intectiinamontdsliatonnd doatrans ection to the face dur eater Protective le Bold Everywhere. For sample, address |. A. POZZONI CO, St. Louis, Mo, SY Mention Tus PAPER ki ULAR FRENCH TONIO VIN MARIANI FORTIFIES Body .. NOURISHES Brain STIMULATES REFRESHES Indorsed by eminent Physicians everywhere. Sent Fre8, aisum’75 Porters and AUTOGRAPHS of Celebrities, 20th Edition, postpaid for ase. (or stamps). THE HUMAN HAIR, Why it Falls Off, Turns Gray, and the Remedy. By PROF. HARLEY PARKER. F. R.A. S. C.K. Loxs & Co., 1013 Arch St., Philadeiphia, Pa. “Every one should read this little book."”"—A thenaum. Engenders no Loss of Nerve force. Pati Correspondence wolleited. N. dant references. Free circulars. ‘Joux £. Luxr, 1815 Tremont St,, Denver, Colo, x Manager, 21-92 Kirk Building, Syracuse, N.Y. Me tion open, A BETTER COOKTAIL AT HOME THAN I SERVED OVER ANY BAR IN THE WORLD. ALL READY FOR USE, NO MIXING. The Glub Gecktails MANHATTAN, MARTINI, WHISKY, HOLLAND GIN, TOM GIN, VERMOUTH and YORK. For the Yacht, For the Sea Shore, For the Mountains, For the Fishing Party, For the Camping Party, For the Summer Hotel, Batanysweetcning—sry anddelicioas, sample TeaWAtio vent to’ any address, prepald, for dc. For sale by all Druggists and Dealers. 6, F, HEUBLEIN & BRO., Sole Proprietors, 30 Broadway, New York; Hartford, Conn.; ‘and 20 Piceadilly, W. London, England,