Judge, 1894-05-26 · page 5 of 16
Judge — May 26, 1894 — page 5: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple satirical vignettes mocking various social pretensions and absurdities: **Main story ("With Apologies to Mrs. H. W.")**: A parody of romantic Scottish fiction, where a woman's entire worldview—including religious faith—shifts based on trivial incidents (a man cursing, chewing gum). The satire targets melodramatic literature and shallow moral convictions. **"Confidences in the Four Hundred"**: Mocks wealthy elites' obsession with displays of wealth; the joke is that both speakers spent fortunes on something unspecified. **"All Sorts and Conditions of Men"**: Attacks claims of human equality—characters argue even American workers aren't equal to their own grandchildren, satirizing rigid class hierarchies. **Remaining sketches**: Various jokes about social pretense (a "coming diplomat" whose baby resembles the mother), health fads, Irish-American dialect humor, financial parasitism ("cutting coupons"), and dating reluctance. The overall tone is cynical about American society's class consciousness, materialism, and romantic affectation. The heavy use of dialect humor and caricature reflects late 19th-century satirical conventions.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
WITH APOLOGIES TO MRS. H. W. DREW her to him and placed his Scotch plaid over her shoulders. Their eyes met. Every man and woman can look back and mark some decisive event which has been a turning-point in their lives. She realized this now. “Let us go back,” she said coldly, almost rudely. The way back was over those marvelously weird and picturesque Scotch mountains covered with rocks and other things. She slipped upon a magnificent Scotch fir-tree and would have fallen over it but for his fostering arm. From this point her life seemed to branch into a new existence. She saw a slight flush upon his cheek. “I fear your lungs are hardly strong enough for this misty Scotch fog.” she said compassionately. He turned upon her quickly, as if to read her very soul in her eyes. She averted her head just as he slipped upon some noble Scotch heather and fell upon his cerebellum, The hectic flush upon his cheek was now positively painful, even to himself. He coughed rackingly and said" D—n!" THE DUEL BETWEEN MR, JOHNSON AND MR. THOMPSON, CONFIDENCES IN THE FOUR HUNDRED. ‘Mine cost one million dollars, What did yours cost?” This weird event marked a radical departure in her religious experience. Her father or grandfather had never said d—n, and she had never had a brother to advise her. Could the apocalypse then be a myth? She thought of Herr Sevenbottles’s great work and, rigid and silent, hastened to her room. Ten minutes later they found her there still pale and white. She was chewing some fragrant Scotch gum. Her whole mental attitude toward religion and humanity had changed again. cow. “ALL SORTS AND CONDITIONS OF MEN.” Primus— W's all nonsense about men being born free and equal. A blacksmith is . not the equal of a Howard or a Stuyvesant.” A COMING DIPLO- : Secundus—" That's putting it mildly. In America he MATIST. isn’t even the equal of his own grandchildren.” CeTHE baby is a very ugly one, and yet 1 | HEALTHY TOWN. I felt bound to trace some family likeness, you know.” “Yes. How did you New York woman—" What is the prevailing cult in Chi- cago just now Chicago woman—1 don't believe there is any. We Fase have been remarkably free from epidemics of all kinds this get out of it? “L told. its: mother winters” that I was startled by its er SeoSNN THE APPOINTED TIME, resemblance to her as I p re), : ” Muthaley (who has been celebrating)—"Are ye say’ imagined she looked at “ ‘ SS yer prayers, Mary Ann?” the same age." Mrs, Muthaley—" Oi am, Moichael; an’ Oi’m sayin’ yer owen too.” Muthaley —" Thin. put in a prayer t' St. Pathrick t’ dhroive th’ shnakes out av Ameriky, an’ t’ do ‘-noight.” ROUGH. Mr. Oldboarder—"\ think that mattress in my room might be im- proved upon, madam.” Mrs. Whackster (the land- “Why, what's the matter A BUSY MAN. + *OLD PEACHY is a very busy man. Does nothing but cut coupons all day, I understand.” “Coupons from his bonds?” “No; coupons from the news- Papers. NECESSARILY MUST. Maud —" Do you dance the ANTICIPATORY, two-step waltz, Mr. Brown?” jee? Soaks—"* Hev yer ever bin ter Europe, Mr, Brown— Well, 1 hope Jisaie—" Naw; but I'm er goin’ as soon as ther 80 I'm neither a cripple nor a walkin’ gits better.”” centipede.”” comicbooks.com