Judge — December 30, 1893 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

446 THE PROFESSOR’S BREAKFAST. PROFESSOR ABSTEMIUS lived at the Hotel Detention on the European plan. He was the terror of the restaurant, and every viand he called for he promptly rejected if not cooked ex- actly according to order. It was natural that the waiters, whom he tipped but seldom, the head waiter, whom he never tipped, and the chef, whose celebrated dishes he returned, should all be watch- ing for an opportunity of revenge. Professor Abstemius was suspicious of the eggs. He was sure that, although spring had come, he was served with more or less winter eggs. He determined to reject all suspicious products of the hennery; so next morning after this resolu- @ tion he deliberately informed the waiter of his intentions, and to emphasize his remarks wrote his order as follows 1893 eggs, soft-boiled.” Largely owing to the fact that Professor Abstemius was bald on his foretop, with a few erect hairs on his after-pate, he was absent- minded. On this particular Sunday morning, being deeply interested in a one-hundred-page newspaper, it was several hours before he re- membered his breakfast. He hammered on the table with his knife, scaring the other guests and bringing half the corps of waiters around him. “Where is my breakfast?” he thundered, “Coming, sir,” gasped the waiter, choking with laughter. A VALID REASON. “What is your objection to soap?” the tramp was asked. “I’m allus suspicious of strangers,” he replied, ANSWERED. ‘OLp Curious —" What's your idea of holding the umbrella over the nag’s head ?" Pat—' ‘aix! can’t yez see its back is well protected?” NATURAL ASCENDENCY. Cuouty—" It’s a fact, Gussie, that a gentleman can always overawe a low-caste feller. Look at England and Ireland, now. It's the natural as- cendency of gentlemen over barbarians.” Orricer O'Hennessy—"* Move ahn dere now, ye white-livered judes, before I fan yer wid me shtick.” At that instant a number of servants entered, lugging large baskets filled with eggs. Imme- diately the waiter was all attention. “Shall open ‘em, sir?” he gravely asked. “Open ‘em !" roared the professor. “ Do you think I'm an ogre? You get me three soft- boiled eggs quick!" “ But, sir, you ordered eighteen hundred and ninety-three soft-boiled eggs,and ‘ere they air,sir.” “ Dunder mit blitzen! Let me see the check.” Sure enough, there was his order —“ 1893 eggs, soft-boiled.” “Why,” he blustered and fumed, “I only meant eggs of that year. I won't take 'em.” “You're in for it this time, professor. You'se BarweR—"* Your hair is dusty, sir.” so particular about yer orders, sir.. And ‘ere’s Kwext —"* Put on enough water to lay it, then.” the bill, si-—one hundred and twenty-six dollars and twenty cents.” “You infernal scoundrel! open those. eggs, and every one not soft-boiled or bad I'll reject. T'll have that satisfaction out of you anyhow.” For several hours the professor watched the opening of the eggs until he swore he would never taste one again, The longer the eggs stood the harder they got, until, when the operation was complete, only twenty-one out of the lot complied with his order. “Twenty-one soft-boiled eggs,” said he, softly rubbing hi: “That amounts to seven portions, or one dollar and forty cents.’ Handing over the money to the disgusted waiter without so much as a tip, the professor tri- umphantly strutted out of the restaurant. That night, when he was served with a notice to quit the house, he asked ifhe should also give the particulars of the incident to the press. On being assured that the notice tq quit was a mistake he chuckled softly to himself, and has since received, with hands to express his satisfaction. ~ becoming dignity, remarkably respectful treatment from all of the hotel employés. wi Harran Harr Dockste Ratz Harran Hare — Dere's one t'ing I like about dis salt water, Docksie.” “* What's dat?” "Tain’t fit to drink." Evelyr auntie?” 2 sassiet) ‘Voanksg pitched syoke 0° pcked t in—"A ven?” he pron / ‘teen L Mrs. cren Te gums, a win the tried all the and th brough right a to prin in our ing th panied TheG is the Fon death comicbooks.com