Judge — 1891 — page 40: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE’S ANNUAL. THE ASSISTANT FOOL. I'm a hampered and fettered poor mortal, For I'm eat upon day after day By my master, the king’s premier jester ; ‘When he’s near I have nothing to say. I know a few tricklets diverting, Quite sure to bring smiles to a phiz, But discouragement’s always my portion, He 's down on alll wit that's not his. I tured a back flip-flap last evening ‘And landed on arm of the throne ; ‘The king snickered out, ‘* That's a good one !" T took the applause for my own. But Pancho, my master, said quietly, ‘ou can put it right down on your books, Oh! Corpulent Potentate, mighty, He's not such a fool as'he looks.”" AFRAID OF THE FUTURE. Bixkerr—" I wonder what broke Tom Hallett’s engagement to Miss Breame.” Mks. TRLLATRE—"* Somebody told him that her mother used to be as pretty as she is, and it scared him off.” . UNCLE BILLY’S SNAKE STORY. With that he sprang nimbly toward And turned several times in the air, Alighting, like soft, downy feathers, Tiptoed on the back of a chair. ‘Then kissing his hand to the monarch, He growled at me under his breat “+ If you dare to do that, you poor ninny, Gadzooks ! I'll be in at your death.” I'm a fettered and hampered poor mortal, Uniquely and terribly cursed ; For try as I will, I'm unable ‘To do any more than my worst. Some men achieve greatness by effort, But I’m not allowed in that pool ; ‘Ten thousand deep curses on fortune ! ‘They won't let me act like a fool. JAMES 5, GouDWwIs, the committee of investigation were seen coming down the mountain as if their running was to save their lives. They cor- roborated the story of the snake. It was then decided to go up the mountain, each one armed with a gun charged with double B. On coming in sight of the snake there was not one of us that did not feel shaky, as there was the monster coiled up right in front of Frenchy’s hut, fully as big as Eb. Bassett first described it, if not bigger. However, we all blazed away at it.” “Did we killit?" No, “Why?” “Be- cause after firing at it, Frenchy came out of the hut cursing and dancing as if he was crazy. The fact was, boys, the little French- man was a taxidermist, and we had blown to atoms a splendid skin of a boa constrictor he had set up.” PURCHASING AN AILMENT. Acrress—“Doctor, I don’t feel s if | could possibly go on the stage to-night.” Doctor —“ What, madam, seems to be the matter with you?” Actress—“ Oh, I don’t care much, doctor. Sitting in the Rockett summer hotel, in the village of A—, you ailment you can for a hundred dollars.” can hear groups of the ruralists telling tales over their mugs of hard cider every evening. One even- ing last week the tales were all about snakes. There was one story in particular worth pre- serving. It was told by an aged farmer, who went by the name of “Uncle Billy.” “So, boys, you want me to tell about some snakes in my day. Well, I will tell you about the big snake at Ama- walk Pits. It was the day after the Secore’s barn and outbuild- ings were burnt down. I and some more of the neighbors were sitting near the ruins refreshing ourselves with some hard cider, gave to us by Ike Secore, when we saw Eb. Bassett come run- ning to us as if the old boy was after him. On becoming more collected, he said, in passing by the little Frenchman's hut in the mountains, he almost walked on top of a snake as big around as a barrel and thirty feet long. There was a general laugh, as it was thought it was the effects of the hard cider. Immediately after, Jim Mead came in breath- less with the same story. Two men were sent up the mountain to investigate. Shortly after, Give me the worst AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCALE. Dracroot Roorsack—* By thunder! that’s th’ lowest I've fell yet Judgin’ by them fellers not attackin’ me, they must think I'm a dog.” comicbooks.com