Judge — 1891 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE'S ANNUAL. WHERE IS THAT MAN? *M looking for that kind of man ‘That advertisers use With cuts of ** Canticurly soap" And Bing’s four-dollar shoes.” “Hope for the bald” has pierced my heart, ‘And oft my bosom thnils At sight of youth on “' Bicycles,” Or taking ‘* Bunchem’s pills.” Alas! the fellows that I meet, They wabble when they walk, They have no chins and ob, they look So silly when they talk! Their coats are padded and their necks Are slender as their canes; While those grand fellows in those cuts Look noble and have brains, Why, Timothy paid fourteen dollars in good money for a suit o’ clothes last spring; and would you be- lieve it, this dress-pattern I’ve got on cost four dol- lars and twenty-five cents, and then I had to buy buttons an’ fixin’s for it besides. How much did you say you'd let this damaged figger go for?” “That is sculptured in marble, madam, and its price is four hundred and fifty dollars.” “Four hundred and fifty dollars!" exclaimed Mrs. Timothy Seed, in amazement; “an’ jes’ one figger with no clothes on and an arm broke off it, too!” “ That is the price.” “Well, Alviry don’t get no statooary from me. I'll go an’ buy her an eighty-cent pickle-castor or work her a piller-sham.” wot, sIVITER, THE DISCOMFITURE OF A COLLECTOR.—1. Auxt Saran—'‘T'll be with you in a moment, girls, I want to gather a little bit of this lichen to put around the edge of my herbarium.” PERPLEXITY. General Sherman was looking into a show-window. Out comes the proprietor and says, “How do you do, general?” “Very well, sir; but I don’t remember you.” “ General,” says the proprietor, as the general told it, “I made your shirts.” “Ah,” said the general, “I am happy to meet you.” Then comes up an old friend of the general and in- troduces the two. ‘General, let me make you ac- quainted with Major Shurtz.” “Ah!” said the general, with a new light to his ears and understanding. TRIUMPHANT OVER DEATH. An Israelite, being refused admission to the realms of bliss, did not lose his commercial instincts through dis- appointment. He did a thriving‘business with those condemned to pass to the left, by means of this alluring sign: “ Misfit wings at half rates.” ‘The youth that wears “ The nobby suit” Still haunts me, night and day, While * Heavy whiskers in three weeks” Drives all my sleep awzy, “Lawn -tennis coats” all summer long Was with me, in my dreams. “* An easy shave" with peachy cheek Still o'er my pathway gleams. I want to find that kind of man, So handsome, brave and fair; Erect and stalwart, and with legs ‘That match and make a pair. With arms that have some muscle and With hands that look so strong. If I could find that kind of man, I'd not be single long, Dear advertisers, let me know The model that you use, And I will buy your facial soap Or bicycle or shoes, He may be wealthy or be poor, With cheek of peach or tan, But I would like for once to see And meet a real man. GRRTIR SANDRINGHAM, STARTING OUT ON A SMALL SCALE, REVERSING NATURE'S LAWS. The conversation had turned on an old beau, who by the aid of cosmetics and other artifices seemed to grow a little younger every year. “You will see,” said some one, “how he will succeed in hiding the ravages of time.” “And finally die of extreme youth,” added another speaker. A SAFE STATEMENT. In a police-court. “How many times have you been sentenced before, prisoner?” “T don't 'zackly ‘member, yer honor, but I'm sure the last time was over five years ago.” “ How so?” “’Cause, yer honor, I hain’t been outer jail since.” A SAFE HYPOTHESIS. A gentleman, to Jones, who opens the door at a friend's house: “Has Mr. Jenkins gone out yet?” “T don’t think so; he died this morning.” Roamine Pranopy—" You gimme ten dollars or put that fur back where you got it. See?" comicbooks.com