Judge, 1891 · page 51 of 69
Judge — 1891 — page 51: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three satirical pieces typical of late 19th-century humor: **"The Vassar Girl"** mocks educated women, particularly college attendees. The poem ridicules affectations of intellectual women—their aesthetic pretensions, classical learning, and artistic pursuits—while suggesting their education masks superficiality and makes them socially awkward ("doesn't dance"). This reflects period anxieties about women's higher education. **"Bigliar Won the Bet"** satirizes tall-tale telling and masculine braggadocio. A man claims seeing 200 snakes including anacondas (impossible in the setting), betting beer on his story. When confronted with witnesses, they admit he was drunk and hallucinating ("jim-jams"—delirium tremens). The joke exposes how men validate each other's obvious lies for camaraderie. **"Afraid of the Hereditary Influence"** jokes about genetics and courtship. A suitor, meeting his girlfriend's homely female relatives, fears hereditary ugliness and wants to downgrade her to "sister" rather than wife—suggesting women's value depends on appearance and family traits.
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THE VASSAR GIRL. She bangs her hair, and has an air Of being utterly sesthetic ; Turns out her toes, and curls her nose With emphasis that’s quite pathetic. She Latin speaks—adores the Greeks, No theme so deep but she'll attract She looks up bones and ancient stones, And classifies them on a bracket. She reads at night, destroys her sight, And stays her soul with strongest Mocha; Remembers dates, ‘and paints on plates Wild symphonies in green and ochre. She ** doesn’t dance "with pensive glance She poses in deep contemplations ; Bat oh, beware ! an awful snare Lies in her cultured aspirations, Eyes blue or gra A girl with ‘u'll surely class her; Her soul's i “too intense,” This interesting girl from Vassar ! ximie &, FUNNY THINGS FROM JUDGE. 49 BIGLIAR WON THE BET. “Snakes are very numerous this year,” said Mr. Bigliar, the other day as he sat down in our office. “Why, when I was out fishing last Saturday, I saw over two hundred.” “Two hundred snakes?” queried the assist- ant editor. “Yes; two hundred snakes, of all breeds, descriptions and sizes, from a garter snake to a boa-constrictor and an anaconda,” said Mr. Bigliar, warming up to the situation. The city editor gave the assistant editor a wink, and said as he mentally reviewed his natural history and remembered that the last-mentioned reptiles were not denizens of this clime: “I'll bet you the beer, Mr. Bigliar, that you're telling us a regular old snake yarn,” AFRAID OF THE HEREDITARY INFLUENCE. Miss PLusire—"' Armand, you haven't met my family before, ‘This is Great-grandma Wingate, this Grandma Parsons, and this mamma, Hek INTENDED (looking ahead a few years)—"* Say, Bessie, take back what you said, and be simply a sister to me, won't you?" CRISS-CROSSED UNDERSTANDING. Hours (who is selecting a park hack for his wife)—'* She seems to need touching up a good deal, Anderton.” ANDERTON (the dealer) redden them cheeks like roses, sir. “She is a bit pale complected, sir; but, Lor’ bless yer! th’ hexercise ‘ll “Ill take that bet,” said Mr. Bigliar, “and prove it by three gentlemen of veracity who went with me.” This was rather a strong statement, but the city man felt sure of winning, so he sai “We won't lose any more time talking; we'll just step out and interview those gentlemen at once, and settle this little bet.” The trio went out and soon found two of the Saturday fishermen, and the city man agreeing to stand by their decision, asked: “Did you fellows go fishing with Bigliar, Saturday ?” “Yes,” said both of them at once. “Did Bigliar see two hundred snakes, rang- ing in size from and including garter snakes and boa-constrictors ?” “’Spose he did,” said one of them. “Haven't any reason to doubt it,” said the other. “Oh, get out!” said the city man, “you can’t stuff that snake story down us—not unless you give the whole facts and particu- lars.” “Well,” remarked the boon companion of Mr. Bigliar; “the fact was, that old reprobate didn’t do much fishing, but got infernally drunk, and had another attack of the jim-jams, and the way he yelled about snakes precluded any doubt in my mind about the truth of what he afterwards said he saw!" “Come, get your beer,” was all the city man could gasp. Ships are very polite. Even the stern pro- peller generally has a graceful bow. comicbooks.com