Judge — 1891 — page 33: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FUNNY THINGS FROM JUDGE. 31 CON. LAFFERTY’S COON. “Well, it wint on this way till the loikes of the racket over- rayched me capacity for music, an’ makin’ up me moind that Oi'd ON. LAFFERTY, soide wid the coon ef wurst came to wurst, Oi comminced to % after furnishing ‘ickyonoyther ‘round, intint on warnin’ any coon that Oi'd see refreshment to a 0in’ in the diriction of the fracas. Oi'd no more than rayched party of huntsmen beyant the flare of the torches, an’ jist fhere there was loight Whohad halted at ¢ROugh to see at all at all, whin Oi lit me oyes on a dark his Virginia cabin, complicted, shtunted little baste sort of humpin’ along like a began : " Befoore O'id ™oonkey wid de loombager. Secin’ the gintleman was makin been in. this section for the ragion of the slisuarbance Oi planted mesilf behind ‘im A an’ danger an’ sez Oi ‘Shoo!’ ee a eeet heey ot eZ Shmall respict he paid me, so he didn’t, an’ wid that I com- the proimaries, Oi was minced to move to’rd im, a shtompin’ me fate an whippin’ the invoited—be the nay- iF wid me arrums, an’ sure enough he comminced to retrate, gers, moind ye—to tho’ it wasn’t himsilf that was contint to do it, so it wasn’t. | He attind wan of their kipt a-backin’ and a-backin’ the whoilst mesilf was shooin’ ‘im Figgylation persecu. all the toime, an’ shmall season it was before Oi had ‘im cornered, tions of the coon, wid his, back agin a monster tree an’ the ruts roisin’ up an’ “Not knowin’ a coon from fowldin’ ’im in loike. ; ’ anartychoke, but belavin it'd _ “Oi cudn’t see his faychures, moind ye, but Oi knew be the poppylate me wid the party, ¢%Prision of his fate, that were thumpin’ the ground, that it Oi wint. Oi'm towld, sor, Wasn't a continted countenance he had on ‘im, but sez Oi, It's sence the aivint, that a man ™esilf that’s shtarted to riscue ‘im from the naygurs, an’ sure must hev a gift in that direc. Or'll loiy on “im as the safest manes of doin it," sez Oi. “Wid that tion to inj'y a coon hunt, an’ Oi advanced on ’im cautiously, little dhramin’ he’d be ongintle- Oi belave, besoides, that no gintlemin can manly, the shpalpane. Purty soon me nose was offinded, so to rilish the acquaintance of the little bayste that furnishes the intertainment widout he has med a diognoses of the different koinds of craychures that raysimble him, but have their own c’ratheristics all the same. “It was at noight the entertainment tuk place, so it was, an’ as we shtarted out, Oi tuk a cinsus of the dogs and naygurs, an’ sez Oi to mesilf, sez Oi, ‘Ef the diminsions of the coon is in kapin’ wid the soize of the army of subjygation, it'll nade no mikyscope to foind him, so it won’t;’ an’ wid that Oi catechoised wan of the party, an’ he towlt me it wasn’t the soize of the game that that was terryfoyin’, but the spoonk an’ Il that was in ‘im, “Purty soon the dogs tuk to barkin’ an’ guin’ on as ef they had the St. Voytus ager, an’ as for the naygurs, they bate the dogs at their doidoes an’ hullyballo, an’ the further we wint the more power they turruned ‘on, an’ says Oi—seein’ they had nayther guns nor pistols—‘ They're goin’ to schare the baste to dith, so they are.’ Immajitly they concinthrated their whoops and shrakes in the region of a large goom tree, an’ ef ye'd sane the pack of ‘em shtritchin’ their nicks back’ards an’ gapin their mouths till it'd make a hippypotymus mortifoied, ye’d hev wonderther’d, as Oi did, fhat koind of fruit was growin’ there t’ ixcoite their anxoiety. Sez Oi to mesilf, sez Oi, ‘Ef it’s a goom tree sure enough, an’ there’s plenty of goom on it, ef the coon doesn’t accumylate ingrajients an’ shtoifle the wide-mouthed gintry, he’s turnin’ his back on a goulden opporchunity. mi NM spake, an’ thin be the fumes of Hades! cf the atmosphere didn't completely mortify all to once, an’ set the shmellin’ apparatus to achin’ wid embarrassment, ye can varnish me wid assyfedity. ‘Begorra,’ sez Oi, ‘but the nose is a com- plate infirmity in such a cloimate !’ an’ wid this Oi tuk to consultin’ me nostrils an’ wondtherin’ phat sort of woild flower it was that had suddintly opened the sayson. But the more Oi'd lave me nose to sample the issince, the more plazed Oi was to resoign the invistigation. Howandiver, sez Oi, ‘Oi'll save the coon, so I will, an’ he’ll not have it to say agin Con. that ye lift him in any sich wither as this to catch the malaria,’ an howldin’ me nose Oi pushed to the rescue. “Mebbe Oi was widin a fut of the little baste whin, murdtherin’ muskrats! me nosc just guv way complately at the imphatic bookay that struck it. ‘Moy, moy?’ sez Oi, ‘is it to be consaved that a coon’d have sich shmall respect for ’imself as to neglict his brith to that extint?’ an’ as Oi shtopped to reflict on the conundthrum, the coon guv a jump beyant me, an’,’pon me loife, sor, Oi was puth- IRRETRIEVABLE RUIN. refoied wid the remimbrance he lift behoind. *Axcuse iks alibe! What's d’ mattah ?" me!’ sez Oi. to the landscape, an’ wid that Oi run loike a Mk. Coast ‘ou's pressed d’ hull system out'n dat scales, Dat’s whad’s a’ dog cilebratin’ his own tin weddin’, an’ the fashter Oi wint mattah, yo’ ole el’funt the louder the parfumery asserted itself. comicbooks.com