Judge, 1891 · page 25 of 69
Judge — 1891 — page 25: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three separate satirical pieces lampooning upper-class American society circa the Judge magazine era (likely late 1800s): **"Confessions of a Dude"**: A monologue mocking the affected speech and empty-headed pretensions of a wealthy young man obsessed with appearing intellectually vacant. The exaggerated lisp and malapropisms ("bwain," "weally") caricature affectation. The satire targets how some wealthy youth deliberately cultivated stupidity as fashionable status-seeking, rejecting education to maintain the image of a careless socialite. **"A Settled Question"**: A brief schoolroom joke where a student claims a girl's head is "brains or waahfall [waterfall]" — essentially calling her vapid or dull-witted. The humor relies on insulting female intelligence. **"At the Hunt Ball"**: Social satire suggesting a horseman is such an incompetent rider that he falls off repeatedly, yet society still counts him among skilled equestrians — mocking how social standing obscures actual ability. All three target vanity, pretension, and class-based social hypocrisy in Gilded Age America.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
FUNNY THINGS FROM JUDGE CONFESSIONS OF A DUDE. It’s such a pity, you knaw, to be bawn with a mind. It’s weally such a stwuggle to get entiawly wid of it, doa'tchewknaw, hat weal, genuine, don’t-caaw-faw- anything expwession is so doosid hawd to maintain when a fellaw’s got a mind on his hands to get wid of. Why, theaw aw times when me bwain gwows blawsted weawy twying not to act, you knaw. Fact.’ You see I wasn't bwought up cowect. Me pawents couldn't wealize the amazing hold I was going to have upon sassiety as the leading dude in the deaw foah hundred, and they actually began to edecate me. Fawncy! sent me to school, ‘pon honaw. Oh, it was dweadful! All the time, you knaw, me inbawn, awisto- cwatic vacuity webelled, and finally me wesolution bwoke the cruel bonds and I said, “Now, weally, you knaw, I won't.” Butthe tewwible mischief had been done. The feawful impetus given to me youthful bwain has nevaw yet been ovawcome, and the amount of activity I had to exawcise in standing by me wesolutions has always sawt of haunted me, and made me lack that complete wepose of mannaw me soul so longs faw. Its such a dweadful boaw to feel intewested in things, don’tchewknaw. They say me mothaw was an awfully in- tewesting woman, and | suppose I inhewit it. It’s such a pity toinhewit anything so blawsted active as an intewest, you sec. I'v done vewy well faw a yeaw, though; I weally don't think I've avawaged moaw than one idea a day ; but that's awful tiawsome when it comes, and I fcel so exhausted A SETTLED QUESTION. when it goe: d then I wowwy so, faw I know I'll have anothaw to-mowaw, you see. I wondaw if opium wouldn't do it up faw good. I weally think cigawettes have helped mc. I'll ask me fellaw how many I smoke a day now, and if he thinks I could manage EACHER—\ Da's right. . . . : ¥ . ” . Petey Griccs—"I wuz always a wonderin’ whedder dat gal’s head wuz brains any moaw. If not, I weally think I'll have to twy opium. er waahfall Now 1 knows hee bane I'm so tiawed of that idea, don’tchewknaw. kims aftah D7" at Ht : | |i ! ! i VE it parr, ||| | veh It HAA i) AT THE HUNT BALL, Miss Crorsey—'*I understand that Mr, Blennerhasset over there is one of your hardest riders.” Mr. Burke—'* He ought to be, anyway. He fell off so many times to-day I should think he'd be actually calloused.”” comicbooks.com