Judge — 1891 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FUNNY THINGS FROM JUDGE. Cousty ELNATHAN (after his second plate of soup)—"* That was a rousin’ good stew, Mary. Now ‘early t’ bed, early 1" rise,’ is my motter, an’ I reckon I'll leave you folks 1’ tell stories, an? turn in.” A MISLEADING SYMPTOM. A notorious quack, who had nevertheless acquired a certain local celebrity in the healing art, found his practice increas ing to such an extent that he was obliged to take an assistant. He did not, however, attempt to impose upon his junior as he did upon the public, very can- didly admitting that his repu- tation rested on a series of fortunate guess: accidents. “ marked, “use my when I am called into a case, and I generally see something oranother to help my diagnosis. You come with me and pay a few visits. You will very soon get the hang of the thing.” So they sallied forth, the young man all observation and atten- tion, and bent on becoming as great a doctor as his patron. The first house they called at they found the master in bed. Quack Senior, the moment he set eyes on the patient, said: “There, now ; how men of your time of life can be imprudent enough to indulge in a surfeit of watermelon, I can't see. How many melons did you eat this morning? The best part of three, I'll be bound.” The old man, wondering at the acute- ness of his medical adviser, admitted that he was right in every particular. The dcctor prescribed some simple remedy, and took his fee and his leave. No sooner were they outside than the embryo quack, burning to acquire such an important HE WAS A STAYER. Miss Wipcery- Mk. Toutivant—" Just a moment.” to change my improver-maker, “Come, Mr. Tollivant ; you're delaying the game awfully.” (To himself)—" I've paws'tively got ‘This one don’t fit worth a cent.” professional secret,commenced: “ How in thunder did you know that the man had been eating watermelon? You never looked at his tongue, or ——" “Tongue be hanged,” said the elder. “I looked in the wood- shed as I came in and saw the rinds of three watermelons. You must use your eyes, my boy.” The lesson sank deep into the young man’s mind, and he en- deavored to profit by it on the very first occasion that he made an independent visit. “No wonder you are feeling badly,” said he to his patient, “when you have been eating horse—that’s enough to sicken a Jerseyman.” “Horse!” said the sufferer faintly, yet wondering]. “Yes, horse,” said Aesculapius Junior. “Now tell me how much you have eaten.” “ Horse,” repeated the patient indignantly. “I never did such athing. I wouldn’t —” Here he got madder as the idea was more fully borne in upon him. “Get out of here you infernal quack!” And with the assistance of a couple of the patient's stalwart sons, the pretender to medical science was bounced. “And yet,” he said, when he explained his adventure to his mentor, who had lost a patient by his assistant's injudicious di- agnosis; “and yet I saw asaddle in the woodshed as plainly as you saw the watermelon rinds.” ack Senior is now adver- tising for another assistant, and Quack Junior is driving an ice wagon, comicbooks.com