Judge — August 15, 1891 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CARL PRETZEL'S PHILOSOPHY. Yoostice vas der foundation shtone on vhich charidy, firtue und habbinesses cood sot on mit some com- fortableness, Vhen you dink you dond vas gettin all der goot tings of dis vorldt please pull der leaves in your book of life back und see ofer you deserf em, Dhere dond vas a flex dot bites pooty vell, nor a mus- keedler dot sings, but vat vas plaindy argument dot gifs der atheist a headache in his stomach. When Baby was sick, we gave her Castoria, When she was a Child, sbe cried for Castoria, When she became Miss, she clung to Castoria. When she had Children, she gave them Castoria, ‘There was a man in our town Who was so wondrous wise That when his business slumped way down Began to advertise ; And when the public saw his spread, With all their might and main Unto his place they straightway sj And set him up again. —New York Herald, Miss Birdie McGinnis complains of headache. Her little sister Mollie has toothache, Miss Birdie says, “Molly, you must have that tooth pulled if it aches. It is hollow inside.” ‘Sister Birdie, don't your head ache?” “Yes,” ‘Then you must have your head pulled. It's hollow inside.—Siftings. Old lady —** Doctor, do you think there is anything the matter with my lu Physician (after a careful examination)—"*T find, madam, that your lungs are in anormal condition.” Old /ady (with a sigh of resigna- tion)—"*And about how long can I expect to live with them in that condition ?"— Pharmaceutical Era, ‘The world is round like a ball and flat at both ends like a church sociable,—£/mira Gazette, “So you are ambidextrous?” “* Yes, sir; Ican write with both hands at once.” " But I don't see how you can make that talent useful in journalism?” ‘* Don't you? I didn't know but you might want me to conduct your department relating to Mr. Blaine’s health,” — Detroit Free Press, Sunburn, Chafing, Ivy Poisoning, Bites and Stings, Prickly Heat, And Irritations of the Skin common in Summer are speedily relieved by Packer's Tar Soap. THE CELEBRATED PrIanos ‘Are at present the Nost Popular and Preferred by Leading Artists, Warerooms, 149, 151, 153, 155 East 14th St., W.¥. SOHMER « CO. Cwicaco, Tut. 236 State Street; Saw Fuaxcisco, Cat., Union ib Building ; ‘St. Louis, Mi a2 Olive Street ; Kaw: Cry, Mo., 1133 Maia Street paeebts htchai reser 4. XeBARKER BRAND hes LINEN COLLARS 4 BSOLUT LY BEST. A darling, stim-waisted dude sauntered into Fred Stevens's drug-store the other day and in tones of deadly weariness drawled out, ““Aw—I say, you knaw, haven't yaw some different kind of chewing-gum fwam thawt I got yesterday?” ‘Oh, yes," answered the genial Fred; ‘‘ any number of kinds. What'll you have?” * "Well, yaw see, this is too blamed much like wawk faw a gentleman, yaw knaw. Haven't yaw got some sawt of self-acting gum, don't yaw knaw?"—Detroit Tribune, “Oh, Clara, see that great black cloud! ‘Where will it go, I wonder ?* ‘To which the fair girl made reply “think it’s going to thunder Elmira Gasette, Mrs. WixsLow’s Sootuina Syrup for Children ‘Teething ; soothes the child, softens the gums, allays all pain, cures wind colic and diarrhoea. 25 cents a botle. Sisburban resident —* See here, sir! You told me that that country place I bought of you was only thirty- five minutes from the city. ‘agent —"" Yes, sit; thirty-five minutes by.express. You remember when ‘we went out to look at it the time was thirty-five minutes exactly.” Suburban resident —" But, confound it, sir, the express trains don’t stop there, not one of them, and the accommodation takes about an hour and a half!" City agent—"‘ You and I went by express, and it stopped for us, you know." Suburban resident — “Yes, I know; but it hasn't stopped since.” City agent—"' It will stop if you hire a man at your station icket for somewhere. ‘That's the way I did the day we went out.” —Good News, It looks rather extravagant to pay a dollar for a vapor bath when a man with five cents can achieve the same result in a street-car.— Philadelphia Times, ‘i PILLSBURY'S BEST” Than any other Flour Manufactured. FOR SALE BY ALL FIRST-CLASS GROCERS. PROM A GREAT FINANCIER. PLainview, Tex., July 12, 1891. Publishers Jupce : Gentlemen —Please lend me the sum of seventy-five dollars on five months’ time and I will subscribe for Jupce for the period of five years. Very respectfully, B.D. BOKER'S BITTERS since 1828 acknowledged to be by far the best and finest Stomach Bitters made, wheth- er taken pure or with wines or liquors or other cordials. seaside engagements is all nonsense, Mr. Young. noodle?” Afr." Youngnoodle—"* Aw, do you think so?” Miss Passe— Yes. Johnny, dear (to her young brother), please stop that noise.” Jolnny—"' I'm ony playin’ wid yer bag of engagement-rings.""—/ewelers’ Circular. Miss ree Don't you think that this talk about American pork can now enter France. If the French man will now open his arms to the American bean we see no reason why Boston culture should not ultimately prevail in Paris.—Boston Globe, Extract of BEEF. “"ALL L COOD COOKS THE YEAR ROUND. S004 to ARMOUR d CO., Chicage, for Cook Book show Reuse of Ai Exis ‘Bauces. Mailed free. EVERY— SYRACUSE SUSPENSORY BANDAGE ls acre xe iye satisfaction to pepriptive clrau- lar. ruggists. ‘WELLS MANUFACTURING CO., SYRACUSE, N.Y. ALL-TOBACCO CIGARETTES. OHSOIS - ‘Manufactured by CONSOLIDATED CIGARETTE CO., ra Da ‘and 10th St, New York. most skeptical of their merits, Chemist, certifies : WILLIA! DARKER M’F'R, TROY, N.Y. accept a substitute. at POROUS ALLCOCKS -caster The only safe way for purchasers is to-insist on having the genuine article, and not allow themselves to be swindled by having plasters said to be “just as good,” or “ containing superior ingredients, These are only tricks to sell inferior goods that no more compare with Attcock’s Porous Puasters than copper does with gold. One trial of Allcock’s Porous Plasters will convince the imposed upon them. The eminent Henry A. Mort, Jr., Ph.D., F.C.S., late Government “ My investigation of Attcock’s Porous PLAaster shows it to contain valuable and essential ingredients not found in any other plaster, and I find it superior to and more efficient than any other plaster.” Beware of imitations, and do not be deceived by misrepresentation. Ask for Attcocx’s, and let no solicitation or explanation induce you to Write Lewis 6, Tewksbury, Banker and Broker 50 Broadway, N.Y,, to send his circular, comicbooks.com