Judge — June 6, 1891 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE THE TALE OF A SNAKE. Is YOU probably will not recognize me by my hand- writing, | may as well tell you at once that I am the great and only sea-serpent. I am visible only to those whose veracity has never been doubted. ‘As I intend going landward soon I thought it best to announce the fact, so that people may watch for me and prevaricate accordingly. I change in aspect and color in accordance with the ideas of those who have caught stray glimpses of my serpentine form. I vary also in length, according to the distance of the beholder. The farther away I am the larger I appear to be. My dimensions vary in proportion to the number of times the observer has “‘ smiled.” My head is (without exception) raised at least four feet above the sur- face of the water, while at the same time I lash my tail, causing earth- quakes in divers places. Several papers will tell you that I am frequently seen dining upon entire boat-loads of men. I will not deny it, as the papers probably know more about my habits and customs than I do myself. When I discover a few more of my talents I will let you know. Au revoir. Your aquatic friend, PRR ALEX. H. LAIDLAW, JR. LENGTHY W. RITHER. LETTING HIM DOWN EASIER. PROPRIETOR INK WoRKS—"* Mr. Shearer, that last bill of fifty dollars has been running for nearly a year. Now, I'll tell you what I propose to do. I'm going to receipt the bill and make you a present of Epitor “County Trumrer”—"*Oh, thanks; thanks! T couldn't think of accepting such a large present. Just give me ten dollars and I'll owe you the bill.” HIS OPPORTUNITY. 66]S HE in society?” A SHANTYTOWN TRUST. Mas. McGINTY—"Shure, Mrs, O'Flaherty, hev yez heard as ther's a new railroad comin’ here from beyant?’ ‘Thim corpyrations is the ould un hisself. Mrs, O'FLANERTY—"'"Dade an' they be. It’s toime, Mrs. McGinty, we praperty-owners up here made a combine agin’ ‘em.” A POINTER IN HISTORY. WHEN the pilgrim fathers landed at Plymouth Rock they first got dowa on their knees; then they proceeded to get on to the abor'gines, AFTER THE HONEYMOON. Young married man—" What would you do, my dear, if I were one of those men who are in bad humor when they get up in the morning and use bad language because the breakfast is cold?” Young wife—"1 would make it hot for you.” INCREASING DIFFICULTIES. SES ay: you recollect that I borrowed five dollars from you last week ?”” “Yes” “Well, collect it from Trotter, please. day.” I lent it to him yester- IGNORANCE IS WARMTH. Mrs. Oswald —* Well, for heaven's sake! how can you go out with a little child like that in such cold weather?” Mrs. Youngman —" Why not—what does the child know about the weather?” “Well, about half way—the lower half. they're out slumming.” ECONOMY. He meets our best people when ++ VE MUST economize, my dear,” His wife said very sweetly. Ter face took on an earnest look Which won his heart completely. “T think,” she said, “that flannel Would suit you very nicely ; For summer-time is coming and They are the thing precisely. shirts Your laundry bill, you know, is large For shirts and cuffs and collars ; “Twould save, you see—and for my hat T need just twenty dollars.” INTENSE REALISM. COTTHE curtain falls as the burglars are = heard sawing the bars, and Ethel, the heroine, rings the district -telegraph SHE DIDN'T MEAN RACY. Customer —"' Are these colors fast?” NRW SALESMAN—"' Well, black is never considered a fast color, but we have some pretty loud variegated colors that might please you,” alarm for help.” “ What happens then?" rises the messenger-boy arrives.” “Ten years elapse, and as the curtain TRANSLATED. Pat—"'Say, Dennis, pwhat does them letthers mane 7” Dennis—"I dunno, I guess it says dere's no flies on Gallagher.’ comicbooks.com