Judge — May 23, 1891 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THAT OLD SAILOR STORY. ‘The old father and mother supped and lodged an alleged-stranger—with large cash means—who next morning was to turn up fresh as their I. |. son. In the stilly night pa and ma simplified mat- ters by quietly murdering the guest. The good old people have been blamed for this. And just here is where the old editions become unreliable. The truth is that both parents knew their boy as well as Jack Falstaff knew Prince Hal. Why shouldn't they? His age was a clear give-away and his affected ignorance of surroundings was too attenuated to stand starch. They were a thoughtful and philosophic old couple. The pa- tient wisdom displayed in waiting so long for their sailor-boy's return, their refusal to go out hop-picking or into the poor-house, are convincing proofs of their being above the insipid average of contemporaneous intellect. ‘They had meant to let the boy live. For a while at least. But he was manifestly so unfit for society, so palpably, egre- giously, ridiculously incapacitated to be taken comfort with, that no course save his own toward the grave was possible to his ratiocinative but piously perplexed parents. - The course of reason, the home-stretch of con- viction influencing the mature minds of our old folks at home are too plain and simple to admit of repro- duction even in this iconoclastic age. Yet nothing can exceed the strange perversity of a few cranky, unbalanced minds who still prefer the demon of error above the angel of truth. These, to be sure, are not worth convincing; but, as the facilities for disposing of them a Za sailor-boy are not at hand, there is left only the desperate chance of awakening in them some stray glint of logical deduction or poetical justice. Misapplied tears have been shed over the fate of the lad which by all accepted rules of tragic ethics are a sacrificial due of the elders. One can almost hear the wise old progenitor tip-toeing his dark way into the bed-room, shoving his wife to the front and whispering, “The boy is sloppy enough to defer till morning the happy news which Ae enjoys in dreams. He is as asininely stupid, as hopelessly imbecile, as selfishly silly as the pudding-headed Aleck who, surrounded by only too willing friends on both sides the house, yet gets up an unromantic, cold-potato elopement for a surprise. Wife, drop him through the trap into our humble cellar.” Thud! JONN ALano, SHE WAS USED TO IT, +4] 'M_SO sorry your papa is dead,” said a lady to a Pittsburg little girl whose mamma had buried several husbands. “Oh, that’s nothing,” replied the child. “ my papas often die.” , hs | Ea PROFESSIONAL SPITEFULNESS. Motte —'T felt I played that scene remarkably well to-night. My enthusiasm completely carried me away. I became so absorbed that the audience disappeared ”—— BeRTELLE (interrupting) —" Yes; I noticed them, dear,” AT THE CLUB. S¢WVHY, Chollie, you have on your ahfternoon dwess and it’s only hawf-pawst eleven !” “Deah me! deah me! Thet fool of a valet of mine must have been dwunk again.” A BUSINESS HEAD. Husband —"1 save four dollars by buying that cigar by the box.” Wife—"Do you, Jack? How nice it would be if you would only buy five boxes right away and give me the twenty dollars you save for a dress.” WATTER, NOT WATER. Se TOES Henry Watterson spell his name with one t or two t's?” “Two. Didn't you know he lived in Kentucky?” ENFORCED HILARITY, SkERRIGAN —‘‘ Oi'm a Connemara ghost av Oi iver seen th’ ould ‘ooman so loight-hear-rted since we left th’ ould sod.” Tue “OULD 'OoMAN”- "Bad luck t' th’ wan thot hung thot bag on thot tree I comicbooks:qom