Judge, 1891-01-24 · page 10 of 16
Judge — January 24, 1891 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains multiple short humorous pieces typical of Judge's satirical style: **"My Uniformed Nurse"** is a romantic poem about a male patient's attraction to his nurse, ending with her rejecting his advances by telling him he's "worse"—a joke on the common phrase "you're making yourself worse." **"Virtue Recompensed"** mocks middle-class morality: a grocer's son honestly reports overpayment, and his father rewards him—praising honesty while the son keeps money that isn't his. **"He Must Be Paid"** satirizes pretentious speech: two women use overly formal language ("terpsichorean exercises") to discuss paying a violinist for a dance. **"The Report Was Correct"** jokes about women entering previously male-dominated professions (here, undertaking and boxing). **"Jay Gould and the Milkman"** references the famous robber baron Jay Gould, who complains about water in his milk; the milkman defensively notes he reads newspapers—implying Gould's own reputation for cutting corners. The remaining pieces joke about hasty marriages, heredity, and parental discipline—all targeting Victorian social conventions and class pretensions.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
MY UNIFORMED NURSE. SWEETLY winsome face, Ripe lips and merry eyes, Where tender pity lies; Brown hair beneath a cap of lace To keep the wayward locks in place. >. /) A fichu neat and plain Crossed on her bosom white ; Her heart beneath is light, But throbs in sympathy with pain, And others’ sorrows feels again. Her very presence heals, Her quiet footfalls soothe, Her hand is soft and smooth, And as my fevered pulse she feels A glad thrill through my being steals. And when, grown bold, I say "I love you, gentle nurse ! ¢ \ She says, ‘I'm sure you're worse! i You must not talk ; you're worse to-day. i} And so she flings my heart away, MYLES 7. rasan, VIRTUE RECOMPENSED. JONES has lately put his son in his grocery shop. “Ob, say, pa!” cried the young hopeful as he came running up to him the other day, ““a gentleman overpaid me twenty-five cents to-day YALLerny —' Gen'lemen, befo' we begins dis game 1—ah—would suggest and I don’t know who he was. What shall I do?” dat it would conduce to de gen'ral enjoyment if we—ah—would deposit our raz- “Keep it, my son; keep it as a reward for your honesty and zers in de armory down-stairs,” frankness.” HE MUST BE PAID. ‘THOSE who dance must pay the fiddler,” quoted Miss Bleecker. “Yes,” replied Miss South-Church of Boston ; “the individuals who indulge in terpsichorean exercises must defray the expenses jncurred by the engagement of a violinist.” AND THEREFORE TO BE TOLD. Amy —*You shouldn't tell such things about people.” Laura—“Why not? Charlotte gave me the most positive: assur- ance that it was a secret.” THE REPORT WAS CORRECT. A woman undertaker has commenced business down- A CAREFUL HOST. Gummey town, my dear. Mrs. Gummey —"1 saw in the newspaper the other day that women ° were learning to box. IkaTe. FATHER —"* Now come right along with me. T'll allow no miser- able bookworm of a school-teacher to thrash a boy of mine. I'll teach him a lesson he won't forget for many days.”” HE WOULD RATHER DILUTE IT HIMSELF. 6+] OOK here,” said, Jay Gould to his milkman: “there is water in this milk you are furnishing me.” “Yes, sir,” replied the milkman; “I tho way, I read the newspapers, sir.” you preferred it that PROBABLE. with marriage I mean to dispense Now's the time to wed, and no longer tarry ; U A If I longer wait I may have more sense— If I have more sense then I'll never marry, SPECULATIVE HEREDITY. Materfamilias He was such children like hi Imogen — Ves, mamma, I know all the Rockpates are awfully hard- ed; but you must remember there is softening of the brain in our mogen, you mustn't marry George Rockpate. d-headed boy! I couldn't bear to have my grand- A FEMININE DEDUCTION. ‘A SLIGHT CHANGE —2. Mary, Iam sorry you are going to marry that man. Fatner—" Did you lick this boy of mine this morning?" I'm afraid a widower won't make you happy.” TEACHER (soith angelic smile) —" V did, si.” : Mary—Oh, I'm sure he will make a good husband. You know FATHER — Well, { just came down to, say lm much obliged to you. You. see I have an affection of the spine which has weakened me so that I am unable he never cared much for his first wife. to give him the necessary chastisement when he needs it. Good-day. comicbooks.com