Judge — October 11, 1890 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JUDGE EGOTISTICAL BYLES. K7 HAT'S the use of havin’ wealth or education. toed looks or tt of gab, or even style? fou've only Kot a good imagination vou'll be content with Dlessin’s all the while. If you only think you're beautiful your features Bight garayae the cows long tbe road And if you know you're wisest of God's creatures You'l never mes the things you might a knowed ‘And you can always laugh at your own stories, ‘And chuckle when you say a funny thing, And swell with pride when thinkin’ of the glories “That gather on the brow of him you sing. Meyer I felt envy towards a feller, “Twas Byles that made me wish I had his gall ; Conceit with him had got so large and meller ‘That he denied his share in Adam's fall. By George! he allus knew how things was goin’, Even cyclones couldn't take him by surprise ; When the weather-vanes showed how the winds was blowin’ He'd hold a controversy with the skies, ‘The most of us in private has arraignments ‘Of self for words and actions we deplore ; But Byles, contented with his own attainments, As chairman allus gave himself the floor. He allus pleased his audience when talkin’ Because old Byles was all he cared to please ; His clothing, form, and style when out a.walkin’ ‘Jest mashed the one he loved—old Byles—with ease. ‘What's the use, I sty, of bein’ smart or witty, Rich or handsome, naught can your pleasure mar; Your opinion of yourself outvotes a city ; You can allus be jest what you think you are. And so old Byles with pride these words would utter: * Tam self-made" but none I think would rob Him of that honor; but I've heard men mutter, “ B'gosh ! you might have made a better job.” And when he died he stopped at Peter's wicket ‘And calmly said be had one more desire; He only wanted one reserved-seat ticket ‘Among the angels in the heavenly choir. SOUND ADVICE, LL, 1 can confide in you, as you're the eldest,” said lady to a female friend. © $0 little.” No matter. I confess to you that I've just entered my thirty-ninth year.” “Really? Well, I'd advise you to stay there.” FROM JONES’S NOTE-BOOK. +46] T IS astonishing how much faster a ‘bus goes when you're running to catch it than after you've climbed on board.” A MATCHING WALK. First citizen —" Did you see my wife start in the six-hour go-as-you- please match this morning 2” Second citizen —" No; | didn’t know there was any such contest on Where is it in progress ? First citizen "At all the bargain stores.” foot. A CHAPTER OF ACCIDENTS. oe AND would you believe it, on the very day I was married my cashier, taking advantage of my absence, ran away with all the cash.” “Too bad; but, my dear fellow, you know that misfortunes never come singly.” A BAD FAILURE, Staggers —" Yes } marriage is a failure with me.” Snooper "Ah? Staggers—"Yes, sir; 1 was led to believe that the girl I loved was worth ten thousand dollars. After the ceremony I found she had only one hundred dollars in bank.” Snooper —" That is a bad. failure. wasn’t it?” Just one cent on the dollar, GOING TO THE DOGS. ¢¢] MET O'Callaghan this morning and he was pretty blue. He said the country was going to the dogs fast.” “ What's the matter with Dennis?” “An American was appointed to the police-force in preference to him.” A REVEREND JANUS. (Little Sammy Gilmartin has left his mask in the study, and hit father in reaching for his skullcap has absent-mindedly appropriated it)—" Come tight in, deacon. I always know that dear footstep.” THE EDUCATION OF A CALLIOPE. GROGAN THE NeWsDEALER—"' Thot's right, dar-rlin ; yure doin’ shplendid, an’ Oi wouldn’ shtop yez fer th’ wur-rld. Wan more good yell now, that's th’ bye.” Tue nay (fifteen years later) —"* E-xter-a li!" comicbooks.com